I Heart: Witchcraft

  Once upon a time, during my first week of life as a fresher, I was introduced to a film that would remain lodged in my memory for the rest of eternity. As a break from the obligatory uni bingeing, we decided to have a film night, and to appeal to the masses, we went for The Shawshank Redemption. ‘Flatmate A’ (who will remain anonymous for dignity’s sake) returned with her boxset of 4 “Classic” Films, which contained an ominous-looking film named Withcraft on the reverse of the Shawshank disk. Intrigue led to viewing, and what followed certainly didn’t disappoint.
  Witchcraft is set in a misty area of Massachusetts, on a small island which is said to be haunted by the many witches that had been put to death there during the infamous witch trials. Gary, played by David Hasselhoff (Yes, The Hoff made it into this masterpiece!) and his virginal girlfriend decide to go to the island to further their studies in witchcraft, which, naturally, leads to them and some other insignificant characters being launched into a frenzy of paranormal activities and laughable gruesome duels; one has their mouth sewn shut in a satanic basement, one unfortunate soul’s jugular magically bursts all over the Hoff, and one is sucked down the plughole into sewage pipe oblivion. Needless to say, this film would be genuinely stomach-turning if it wasn’t so hilariously bad. There might have been a bit more plot in there, but I probably missed that whilst wiping away tears of laughter.
  I cannot urge you enough to ignore the 2.7/10 rating on IMDb, if only to see the ending. It’s too good to spoil now, but let’s just say that His Royal Hoffness certainly goes out with a bang. Goodness only knows who decided to put this on the same humble disk as Shawshank, but whoever they are, they deserve a round of applause for providing me with a side-splitting 95 minutes of euro-genius. Shelve the psychological thrillers and enjoy some mockery of late 80’s horror instead this Halloween.

Emma Martindale