You are what you drink

The foster lad
Beer is beer. Well that’s the mentality of the Foster/Carling drinker. As long as when you’re holding it everyone can see that you’re not a wuss and are drinking a super masculine drink of pure virility everything is proper “banter.”

The WKD bad boy
Blue is the colour for the WKD drinker, it matches the Ralph Lauren polo and Corsa. It’s Wayne Rooney’s favourite drink – and what a man to aspire to be.

The whiskey wisher
Aren’t you just the gruff yet refined classic figure of a man, mulling over your whisky, having it straight because you can handle it. Who do you think you are? Face up to the fact that you are fighting the urge to wince with every sip and pour a big splash of nice sugary coke in there to ease your suffering – ahh that’s better isn’t it?

The vodka gal
You’ve got the girlies round for drinks before the big night out: the mini skirts have been dragged out the closet, and fake tan has been applied. And why not match your tan and your drink? Purchase some tropical fanta, and go in half and half with some Glen’s from Gaffs. The saccharine burn of fructose and ethanol will soon be numbed after the first five glasses. You can then feel free to sing along to some R’n’B classics.

The jaeger rocker
God gave rock and roll to you. He also coincidentally branded and marketed an alcoholic beverage specifically for your social stereotype. You can drink straight out of the bottle until you pass out into a wet dream about playing Wembley.

The red bull (and anything alcoholic)
Keep running at 110% by combining an artificial stimulant with a depressant. It’ll help keep you awake and drunk so every can enjoy your idiotic state for longer. It will also ensure your system gets a proper flushing the next morning – hot.

The strongbow and black sweet tooth
As if Strongbow was not sweet enough already, you have been able to have the amazing insight to combine it with blackcurrant flavoured concentrated sugar water. Now it just tastes just like fizzy Ribena, what a result! You could even give it to a five year old and they’d love it, couldn’t you? Except don’t do that. Don’t even joke about that. Why would you bring that up?

The pretentious ale conniseur
Who are you trying to impress with your apparently “expert” knowledge of ales, your Grandad? No one cares about woody undertones or hoppy highlights, you booze boffin. Go back home to your Warcraft account and collection of woollen vests.

The cocktail cock
Cocktails are for people who wish they were interesting enough to be in a movie, but unfortunately they are just ordinary nobodies. White Russian? Just a tit who thinks they are “the dude”. Vodka Martini, shaken not stirred? Get fucked.

The non drinker
Nobody can like orange juice that much.