The spoilt brats of society

Self-important, self-centered and self-serving, students are some of the rudest and most useless people within society.

We are looked down on, viewed as a herd of swines, revellers rolling in the muck secreted from every filthy orifice on our bodies. And it is this collection of bumbling biological organisms that are meant to evolve into a future generation of highly skilled, civilised human beings; an idea quite difficult to believe for any one watching us can see.

Society is supposed to put up with us until we do finally contribute, supporting us financially (albeit somewhat less now) via the government and in turn the tax payer. And we do love to demonstrate our gratitude in a myriad of ways.

When partaking in our favoured activity, consumption, we understand that ordering a drink a bar as a student means you don’t ever need think of tipping, the same goes with dining out – surely every one understand that while we would like to offer a cash reward to bar and waiting staff for the pleasantry of their services, we need to save that money for important things, like the next round of sugar loaded alchopops in 15 minutes or so.

Saving bin space is also a great way to enjoy being a student. Whether it’s leaving that coffee cup in the lecture theatre or limply dropping the packaging of your cheesy chips on the street once they have been dunked into the red-bull scented acid of your stomach. By not using the bins, you are preventing them from overfilling and becoming all icky and disgusting. Society even encourages this behaviour, that is why they have cleaners and road sweepers right?

Every well cultured student knows that life without music is so dull, so feed your soul and make sure headphones are on at all times; whether on foot, on bike or even, when you really need to get some deeper understanding, in lectures. There is no part of a students lifestyle that could not be improved with ke$ha as the soundtrack.

Public transport is just one big party and bus drivers know it as well. They love to compromise their jobs and throw out all that health and safety wiff-waff and have students pile onto a bus until the windows are blocked out with butt-cheeks smushed firmly against them. They simply adore it when the stop button is jammed constantly, regardless of whether anyone is getting off – so they can get some more practise pulling into bus stops. They giggle with delight knowing that the top of the bus is clearly the no-rules-party-floor, perfect for playing games on and being a super badass and blazing up a cheeky bifta. And most important of all, they remember that there is no need to ever thank them when you get off, because after all the above, words could not convey your appreciation of their service.

Taxis drivers also get into the party mood. When ordering a five person taxi, the operator can clearly hear from all the background noise that there may be more than five of you who are actually going to try and fit in the car. So why they seem so surprised when a group of 13 of fall out of the house and then adamantly insist that they ordered the taxi correctly. But all of this is resolved by throwing up in the back seat.

Sometimes, at the end of a big night, you just have to call the fastest taxi service in town. It doesn’t exactly take you home, but you do end up in a nice warm bed. Yes, the ol’ ambulance ride. An express trip straight to A & E. Lay back and relax as those funny fluids are pumped from your stomach and then bandage up that heel after a little tipsy slip down the stairs. By using the NHS you are highlighting to the public its importance and usefulness, fighting for the case to keep it.

If you choose instead to go by foot, you can utilise the opportunity to express yourself to the public. Wander through residential areas and offer a song for the good people of the land, then fertilise said lands by defecating in and around them. If you are lucky you may even spot some roadworks that seem to have an excess of traffic cones that are you are more than willing to take care of; relocating them to the far safer location of your living room.

We may not be the worst members of society, more like the brattish children than the nefarious yobs, but we certainly do not make any ones lives any easier. Could we learn to behave in a civilised manner, to show consideration for others in society, to not act like spoilt shits? I doubt it, we’re too oblivious to even notice.