Column: I love your shit

When looking for inspiration for these monthly columns I sometimes have a butcher’s at NME’s official site. Despite looking like the internet-equivalent of spaghetti, I eventually found the ‘most-read’ section; a portion of any site that I’m sure most of you will agree is a useful feature. Many of us don’t have the time nor the energy to choose which story to read for ourselves, but the ‘most-read’ tool cuts out that irritating 30 or even 40 seconds spent browsing the home page for the most entertaining sounding stories.

A quick scan informs me that the most-read article on the site is a tale of a blossoming electronic romance between Skrillex and Ellie Goulding – he sent her an e-mail apparently claiming to ‘love her shit’ – interpret that whichever way you want. Upon seeing this I realised I had an opportunity to make a difference. A voice in my head was urging me to write a compelling study, one that would engage debate. This is Guardian shit, I thought. Drawing astute parallels between electronic music and popular culture with ease, I pressed further, yearning for more information, for sharper conclusions, for better sources. I was feeling for a few seconds how Lizo from Newsround must feel every day, and I was loving it. The story was coming together seamlessly, quotes from experts, surveys, statistics – it was, dare I say it, becoming a proper piece of investigatory journalism. Jon Snow would be in tears, I thought, yeah, fuck you Jon.

I was on a roll, typing furiously. Harking back to the site that had originally given me the idea, looking no doubt for more hard evidence to complement my complicated point, I noticed something. Whilst the ‘most-read’ section had been the catalyst for this throwing of caution to the wind, it stopped dead in my tracks. The ‘most-read’ section was, as I have mentioned, dominated by the gibberish about Skrillex masturbating over Ellie Goulding then deciding to send her an e-mail, on the off-chance a casually suggested game of 20 questions would take a sexual turn and he’d score a snap of her in a tame La Senza bra, or something. What surprisingly didn’t feature on the list of stories with the most views was a piece as rich in current affairs and opinion as my own. A commentary on Russian punk outfit Pussy Riot, who were arrested after a protest against the re-election of Vladimir Putin to office, and are currently on hunger strike in a prison in Moscow. I sighed, defeated. I looked at my article, in all its pretentious, controversial glory and abruptly came to the realisation that nobody would give a shit. I could just imagine Jon Snow, high-fiving Krishnan Guru-Murthy, mocking me. I’m so sorry Lizo, I failed you.