‘LAD’ culture: the truth

According to Urban Dictionary, a ‘wolf pack’ is “A brotherhood of attractive male friends who are bonded together by concentrated awesomeness.” Now, while I have to admit that the first part of this definition is usually true, the latter is certainly not.

Typical wolf pack behaviour involves being what is commonly referred to as a ‘top LAD.’ Apparently, a ‘top LAD’ specialises in the arts of heavy drinking and womanising, and also in ‘creating and distributing exquisite banter.’ Trademark top LAD attire consists of chinos and any t-shirt with a label on it (Hollister and Abercrombie & Fitch being particular favourites).

The natural habitat of the top LAD is the rugby pitch, although they can also often be found getting kicked out of various pubs and clubs after downing dirty pints and ‘getting rowdy.’ How very attractive. The top LAD’s only ambition in life is to ‘bang’ as many girls as possible and to then rate them out of ten. Admirable, I am sure you will agree. Their mothers must be so proud.

The truth of the matter is, however, that the top LAD is what can only be referred to as a massive pussy. Their fragile ego rests on whether or not they ‘pull’ and if their hunt for a mate is unsuccessful, they practically cry about it. Yet they are only capable of communicating with females when they have Dutch courage. They believe that to care about anything or anyone is a weakness and run a mile if they begin to develop ‘feelings’ for you. God forbid that the LAD should actually like a girl and not just want to ‘destroy’ her.

So, my plea to LADs everywhere is to start acting like gentlemen as opposed to cavemen. Invite a girl out for dinner instead of back to yours ‘for a shag,’ talk about something interesting (not about how ladish you and your fellow wolves are). Whatever you do, do not ‘kick off’ and get floored by a bouncer – it’s just plain embarrassing. If you follow these tips, then you may actually increase those all important numbers and who knows, you might even get a girlfriend.