The Mancunion

Britain's biggest student newspaper

Horoscopes with Mystic Moya

What do the stars have in store for you this week? Mystic Moya predicts…

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LIBRA (24 SEPTEMBER – 23 OCTOBER)

Libra is represented by the scales, indicating your balanced and even-handed nature. You generally endeavour for impartiality when it comes to taking sides, but hop on down from that fence every now and again. Switzerland is famously neutral – and does anyone really like the Swiss?

SCORPIO (24 OCTOBER – 22 NOVEMBER)

You’ve been feeling confused and under-the-weather recently. It could be Venus rising – or it could be that you’ve been subsisting on Basics vodka and Kebab King. It’s probably Venus, you know.

SAGITTARIUS (23 NOVEMBER – 21 DECEMBER)

This week is one of great intellectual progression and academic excitement for you. Great! However, when in a seminar or tutorial, please don’t put your hand up every five minutes. Don’t be that guy. No one likes that guy.

CAPRICORN (22 DECEMBER – 20 JANUARY)

Capricorns are notoriously conservative and afraid of taking risks. Push yourself outside of your comfort zone this week. Shave half your head, buy a pair of Doc Martens, and try to develop a predication for hardcore techno house. See how great it feels to be an individual?

AQUARIUS (21 JANUARY – 19 FEBRUARY)

Many people are attracted to your boundless optimism, untiring smile and shiny zeal for life. Others want to shoot you with a tranquiliser dart. Mystic Moya remains undecided, but please, for the love of god, use your inside voice.

PISCES (20 FEBRUARY – 20 MARCH)

You can’t get an aloof, mysterious acquaintance out of your mind. Their enigmatic nature might seem devastatingly attractive right now, but in reality they’re probably just a bit awkward.

ARIES (21 MARCH – 20 APRIL)

Your ditzy, scatter-brained nature endears you to many, but there’s nothing adorable about your house being burgled – which will happen the next time you forget to double-lock the front door. We live in south Manchester, not an Enid Blyton novel.

TAURUS (21 APRIL – 21 MAY)

If you play your cards right, Taurus, romance could be on the horizon. All you have to do is lower your ridiculously high standards, and you might be in with a chance.

GEMINI (22 MAY – 21 JUNE)

You’ve always thought of yourself as being really, really ridiculously good-looking, and are not in the least surprised by the fact that Marilyn Monroe and Johnny Depp are both Geminis. Try not to be quite so obvious in your self-adoration. The selfies you post on Instagram aren’t ironic, and everyone knows it.

CANCER (22 JUNE – 22 JULY)

Your refusal to be limited by your own financial constraints is admirable. Any repercussions from all those nights spent flinging fivers at the barman in Joshua Brooks seem far off in the future. Will your financial recklessness seem as charming in late December? The stars couldn’t possibly say, so far in advance.

LEO (23 JULY – 22 AUGUST)

You’ve had a lot on your mind lately, and it’s serving to distract you from your surroundings. Lift your head up, take a deep breath, and engage in the world around you. You’re about to be hit by a bus.

VIRGO (23 AUGUST – 23 SEPTEMBER)

You are ambitious, strong-minded, and will rely on nobody else to get you where you want to go. You’re also a bit of a dick. Have you ever considered a career in finance?