The Mancunion

Britain's biggest student newspaper

Horoscopes – 21 October to 3 November

What’s written in the stars for you this week? Mystic Moya predicts…

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LIBRA (24 SEPTEMBER – 23 OCTOBER)

You’ve been seeing a lot of a certain someone recently. You notice them everywhere: in the supermarket, the library, the gym, da club… What’s the significance of this, you wonder? After some consultation with the stars, we can reveal: they’re stalking you.

SCORPIO (24 OCTOBER – 22 NOVEMBER)

You are always the first to ask life’s big questions. What is ‘clean’? What is ‘an equal distribution of basic household tasks’? Try occasionally taking the bins out, or you’ll soon be asking ‘What are friends?’ They’re what you used to call your housemates. Who now hate you.

SAGITTARIUS (23 NOVEMBER – 21 DECEMBER)

Your partying shows no signs of slowing down, even as the prospect of post−Reading Week deadlines rears its ugly head. Your mother always said that drugs and alcohol are never the answer, but she’s wrong. What if the question is, “Why will I fail my degree?”

CAPRICORN (22 DECEMBER – 20 JANUARY)

Questions have been running through your mind all week. “What am I to do with my life?” You will find it out, don’t worry! “How am I supposed to know what’s right?” You just gotta do it your way! You are not experiencing an existential crisis. These are Britney Spears lyrics.

AQUARIUS (21 JANUARY – 19 FEBRUARY)

Travel and adventure are on your mind this week, as you dream of jetting off to sunnier climes and getting away from it all. An encounter with a mysterious stranger will make this poss – no, I’m sorry, I can’t lie to you. Going home for Reading Week is as exciting as it gets.

PISCES (20 FEBRUARY – 20 MARCH)

Recently, something has been eating away at you. Have a deep think about what it might be. Issues with your parents? Unrequited love? The nagging feeling that your friends are talking about you behind your back? Or a massive tapeworm?

ARIES (21 MARCH – 20 APRIL)

This week, you decide it’s finally time to start acting like a real man. You obviously haven’t started quite yet, because you’re reading the horoscopes in the Lifestyle section. But you’ll get there eventually. Probably. Maybe.

TAURUS (21 APRIL – 21 MAY)

Thomas Jefferson, 3rd president of the United States, once said, “The glow of one warm thought is worth more to me than money.” With this in mind, you’ll finally check your bank balance this week, and realise Thomas Jefferson was a massive dick.

GEMINI (22 MAY – 21 JUNE)

You’ve always been highly in touch with your own emotions, and recently your life’s been even more fascinating than usual. However, be careful not to tip into all-out self-obsession. If nothing else, pretending to be interested in other people’s problems will make them more likely to sleep with you.

CANCER (22 JUNE – 22 JULY)

Judging by the movement of Jupiter’s moons, you should look forward to a short burst of blissful denial before bracing yourself for a dark period of struggle, rage, isolation and frustration. Don’t worry. It’s the natural cycle of essay-writing, and this too shall pass.

LEO (23 JULY – 22 AUGUST)

Health and wellbeing should be on your mind this week, as your hands begin to stiffen into what look more like a pair of claws. The stars think you might be spending too much time on your phone and laptop.

VIRGO (23 AUGUST – 23 SEPTEMBER)

This week, you’ll attract the attention of a bright, buzzy character, who’ll make a beeline for you as you wait for the bus. Unfortunately, it’s an actual bee. Maybe don’t wear that perfume anymore?

LIBRA (24 SEPTEMBER – 23 OCTOBER)

You’ve been seeing a lot of a certain someone recently. You notice them everywhere: in the supermarket, the library, the gym, da club… What’s the significance of this, you wonder? After some consultation with the stars, we can reveal: they’re stalking you.

SCORPIO (24 OCTOBER – 22 NOVEMBER)

You are always the first to ask life’s big questions. What is ‘clean’? What is ‘an equal distribution of basic household tasks’? Try occasionally taking the bins out, or you’ll soon be asking ‘What are friends?’ They’re what you used to call your housemates. Who now hate you.

SAGITTARIUS (23 NOVEMBER – 21 DECEMBER)

Your partying shows no signs of slowing down, even as the prospect of post−Reading Week deadlines rears its ugly head. Your mother always said that drugs and alcohol are never the answer, but she’s wrong. What if the question is, “Why will I fail my degree?”

CAPRICORN (22 DECEMBER – 20 JANUARY)

Questions have been running through your mind all week. “What am I to do with my life?” You will find it out, don’t worry! “How am I supposed to know what’s right?” You just gotta do it your way! You are not experiencing an existential crisis. These are Britney Spears lyrics.

AQUARIUS (21 JANUARY – 19 FEBRUARY)

Travel and adventure are on your mind this week, as you dream of jetting off to sunnier climes and getting away from it all. An encounter with a mysterious stranger will make this poss – no, I’m sorry, I can’t lie to you. Going home for Reading Week is as exciting as it gets.

PISCES (20 FEBRUARY – 20 MARCH)

Recently, something has been eating away at you. Have a deep think about what it might be. Issues with your parents? Unrequited love? The nagging feeling that your friends are talking about you behind your back? Or a massive tapeworm?

ARIES (21 MARCH – 20 APRIL)

This week, you decide it’s finally time to start acting like a real man. You obviously haven’t started quite yet, because you’re reading the horoscopes in the Lifestyle section. But you’ll get there eventually. Probably. Maybe.

TAURUS (21 APRIL – 21 MAY)

Thomas Jefferson, 3rd president of the United States, once said, “The glow of one warm thought is worth more to me than money.” With this in mind, you’ll finally check your bank balance this week, and realise Thomas Jefferson was a massive dick.

GEMINI (22 MAY – 21 JUNE)

You’ve always been highly in touch with your own emotions, and recently your life’s been even more fascinating than usual. However, be careful not to tip into all-out self-obsession. If nothing else, pretending to be interested in other people’s problems will make them more likely to sleep with you.

CANCER (22 JUNE – 22 JULY)

Judging by the movement of Jupiter’s moons, you should look forward to a short burst of blissful denial before bracing yourself for a dark period of struggle, rage, isolation and frustration. Don’t worry. It’s the natural cycle of essay-writing, and this too shall pass.

LEO (23 JULY – 22 AUGUST)

Health and wellbeing should be on your mind this week, as your hands begin to stiffen into what look more like a pair of claws. The stars think you might be spending too much time on your phone and laptop.

VIRGO (23 AUGUST – 23 SEPTEMBER)

This week, you’ll attract the attention of a bright, buzzy character, who’ll make a beeline for you as you wait for the bus. Unfortunately, it’s an actual bee. Maybe don’t wear that perfume anymore?