Just wear lingerie and some form of animal ears…

Have you bought your pumpkin? How about stockings and bunny ears? I’d get down to the shop sharpish, you do not want to be the idiot who actually tries to make themselves look scary on Halloween. Cast your mind back to Mean Girls when poor Cady goes all out as a zombie bride, only to be laughed at by a sexy mouse.

Who on earth managed to transform October 31st – categorically the very least sexy holiday – into a naked carnival? Hats off to them. It is proving flipping impossible to get rid of. Where’s all this anger coming from? Well I had my very own Cady-esq moment back in 2011. After some intense preparation, I proudly ventured out into Manchester as a creepy child donning a white calf-length nightie, two black eyes and holding a battered doll by the foot. Surprisingly, I didn’t feel quite so proud of my outfit when surrounded by kittens and lycra-clad devils. In fact I was so embarrassed I tried (unsuccessfully) to transform my nightie into a mini skirt in the toilets. Heart-breaking.

A brief history lesson is definitely in order. Don’t whine; I am trying to educate you and simultaneously prevent Halloween hypothermia. Allegedly October 31st deceased could seek revenge on their earthly enemies before shimmying on into the next world. Everyone was freaked, as you would be, so they disguised themselves. We are talking witch warts, gory face paint, fangs and convincing outfits. Let’s fast forward to the present day. Is dressing in your knickers and adorning your face with a cutsie heart shaped rabbit nose going to fool the zombies? No. Not even the ones without brains. Dress sexily at your own risk, that’s all I’m saying.

Have you ever browsed the full range of sexy Halloween outfits? You really should, it is a hoot. There are three categories which I have usefully summarised below. Maybe you could create a fun Halloween game, using this as a tick list on the big night. Who can spot 5 for each category, with a pair of fishnets as the prize?

The Three Stages of Sexy

1) Sexy Halloween

Firstly we have the black kittens, saucy devils, naughty nurses and sexy police women. Ooo scary. Maybe a few wart-less (and skirt-less) witches too. This first category is annoying, yes, but at least the link to Halloween has been upheld.

2) Just sexy

Now things start to get silly. A bumble bee? A lady bird? This is not on girls. Halloween costumes need to follow the brief. It is not too testing … SCARY. Since when has a bumblebee ever been linked to a ghost? It’s like turning up to a toga party in a space suit.

3) Plain Weird

It seems that over the years the standard naughty nurse has lost its appeal. So what was the next logical step? Sexy Nemo. Yes, the infant clown fish. Wait, there’s more … BIG BIRD. Sexy Sesame Street! There are literally no words.

To conclude, I will be donning an unattractive and historically accurate outfit. As are you. Yes you are, return that god-awful clownfish outfit immediately.