The Mancunion

Britain's biggest student newspaper

Horoscopes 3/02/14

What’s written in the stars for you this month?

By and

PISCES (20 FEBRUARY – 20 MARCH)

Fish have notoriously bad memories, but unfortunately, “My astrological sign is the fish!” isn’t a good enough reason to miss another important meeting. Get a diary and get your shit together, Pisces. Oh, and happy birthday.

ARIES (21 MARCH – 20 APRIL)

There was a time when not even Magic Bus Lady would talk to you, but now you’re strolling through Ali G nodding graciously at your adoring fans like freaking Beyoncé. Enjoy your time in the sun, but remember what Mean Girls taught us: it won’t last.

TAURUS (21 APRIL – 21 MAY)

You’ve been daydreaming conspicuously about that attractive person in a particular seminar, but don’t be fooled, Taurus. Open your eyes: it’s not that they’re gorgeous, it’s that everyone else is ugly. The best of a bad bunch shouldn’t be good enough.

GEMINI (22 MAY – 21 JUNE)

March looks set to be a month of distinguished red-hot messery from you, Gemini, and frankly we can’t wait. Like Justin Bieber, your ill-advised escapades in pursuit of A Good Time tend to end in embarrassment for you – and great entertainment for us. Keep it up!

CANCER (22 JUNE – 22 JULY)

If you’re unhappy with your relationship, we strongly recommend that you get a grip and stop whining, because your friends are sick. Of. Hearing. About. It. If you’re single, March is a good month to pounce on anyone you want. You can’t fail. Promise!

LEO (23 JULY – 22 AUGUST)

You need to start looking after yourself, Leo. All this smoking, drinking, drugs and rock ’n’ roll can only end one way – and that’s with you looking like Keith Richards’s armpit. Stock up on some green tea, cut out all the shit you consume (legal and otherwise), and generally stop being so gross.

VIRGO (23 AUGUST – 23 SEPTEMBER)

Virgo, your symbol isn’t a set of scales for no good reason. It’s time to get your act together and find that work/play balance. Perhaps make yourself a timetable or get a diary, and start mapping out designated work periods. It’s time to crack town, before tomorrow becomes too late.

LIBRA (24 SEPTEMBER – 23 OCTOBER)

You’ve been feeling very run down recently, and over the next couple of weeks you will work out exactly what- or who- is causing this stress. Eliminate all the bad apples from your life, and your mood will rocket.

 

SCORPIO (24 OCTOBER – 22 NOVEMBER)

This month sees a window of opportunity appear for you, mostly associated with work or travel. Go for that internship you thought you weren’t good enough for, or book that trip whether you have the money or not: we’re only young once, Scorpio.

 

SAGITTARIUS (23 NOVEMBER – 21 DECEMBER)

You’ve been working hard as per usual, but now’s the time to let your hair down a little bit- it is the middle of the semester after all, you can afford to take a break from studying. Grab a bottle of Sainsbury’s finest vodka and a couple of mates and enjoy yourself.

 

CAPRICORN (22 DECEMBER – 20 JANUARY)

Capricorn, for someone that’s always concerned with their finances, you really are letting yourself go. Man up, check your bank balance, and sort your life out a little bit. Volunteering for overtime might seem shit right now, but next month you’ll be smug.

 

AQUARIUS (21 JANUARY – 19 FEBRUARY)

The past couple of months have been your time to shine, as the planets have all been in your zodiac, so the next few weeks might be a bit of an anti-climax for you. Just spend your pennies wisely, and don’t be influenced too much by superfluously spontaneous friends.