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Day: 4 February 2015

Komodo dragon beaten to death with selfie stick in Manchester bar brawl

In one of the most shocking events ever witnessed in Manchester, a lairy 90kg Komodo dragon has been brutally beaten to death by a 122kg construction worker. The incident occurred in the early hours of Monday morning in ‘Pub Zoo’ bar on Grosvenor Street. Manchester will wake up today with an overwhelming feeling of sickness, sorrow and disbelief.

The Komodo dragon had escaped from Knowsley Safari park in Merseyside two days earlier. Initial reports suggest the reptile—known as ‘Dave’ by the safari park staff—boarded a Northern Rail train at Rainhill disguised as the ‘Gunnersaurus’, the Arsenal club mascot. Although the lizard attracted attention and abuse while on the train, it remained purely football-related. Onlookers were visibly shocked when the dragon—after slithering under the ticket barriers at Manchester Victoria station—preceded to ransack the fresh meat aisle in Sainsbury’s Local. The largest known reptile was then not seen for around two hours.

The police were first notified of the dragon’s presence when they received a call from 52 year old mother-of-two, Linda, at 11:07pm. She informed the police of the significant amount of intimidation the lizard was directing towards students in the Piccadilly Gardens area.

One BA (Hons) Aquatic Philosophy student The Mancunion interviewed said: “You know that big wheel they’ve got now yeah? Well it was on that. Not just on it on it, but properly on it—near the top.” Greater Manchester Police were then unable to track down the Indonesian islander as it utilised Manchester’s centuries-old canal system to reach the ‘Pub Zoo’ bar on Grosvenor Street in the student area of the city.

After just over an hour at the bar, a violent altercation began between the Asian reptile and the 48-year-old construction worker, Darren Atherton. The trigger of the argument has been described as a “disagreement over peanuts.” As the Komodo dragon began to hiss and make threatening swipe gestures with its claws, Atherton grabbed a selfie stick from a helpless student and began to ruthlessly strike the Indonesian. After several brutal blows, the animal lay in a crumpled heap on the floor—barely twitching.

The large reptile’s remains were found the next morning in a Greggs carrier bag in the corner of the central Manchester bar. One of the victims attempted to retrieve her SIM card from the mangled lizard-iPhone stew—only to vomit into the carrier bag, further complicating the task on the hands of forensic specialists. Heston Blumenthal has reportedly been granted permission to have a “quick taste” of the carrier bag’s stewed contents.

When questioned afterwards the perpetrator said, “the lizard should have minded its own fucking business if you ask me—it had no reason to be there. And let me tell you—if I ever see another one of those green shits round here again, the result will be the same.” Witnesses claimed the father-of-46 reptile had been in a provocative mood since his arrival, showing a complete lack of respect for custom and law. However, most were deeply shocked by Atherton’s reaction. One witness described the offender as “possessed” while he delivered the beating.

One of the federation’s favourite festive fairings, the selfie stick’s legitimacy must now surely come into question following the events of the night. One man has already been arrested today for selling the aluminium truncheons outside the Arndale centre. Many Labour backbenchers have urged Ed Miliband to comprehensively oppose the Tories’ decision for the sticks to remain legal.

“Shall we have a ban on trees now? Neither of the main parties have a clue how to react. UKIP are the selfie stick party!” quipped an incensed Nigel Farage. “Oh stop talking,” replied secretary of state William Hague. Nick Clegg then stated, “Farage can think what he likes but I want to make this abundantly clear to the public—the Liberal Democrats are the only true selfie stick party.” “Oh stop talking”, replied secretary of state William Hague.

Beyond the political, what this story certainly emphasises is just what a dangerous place the world we inhabit is. The events were truly shocking.

Marc Jacobs and Zana Bayne: A Valentine’s day match made in heaven

Having collaborated with Prabal Gurung for five seasons of luxurious accessories as well as having created harnesses for the Victoria Secret fashion show, if Zana Bayne was not at the top of her game then, well she certainly is now. The ready-to-wear designer Marc Jacobs has gotten hold of New York’s leather maestro: Bayne, who has single handedly shifted the notorious harness from the boudoir and into fashion.

Jacobs and Bayne are collaborating on a capsule collection of naughty and nice accessories just in time for Valentine’s Day! All handmade in the Big Apple, the collection consists of studded collars and heart-shaped, red leather pasties. Bayne said, “the idea was to work on a special selection of sexy Valentine’s Day items that were based on the signature Marc Jacobs heart shape”.

Photo: Marc Jacobs

Bayne has previously made custom pieces for the likes of Madonna and FKA Twigs and her line is sold at high-end stores such as Comme des Garçons and Selfridges. The iconic Marc Jacobs heart motif was clearly the inspiration for the collection. And if the pieces are not enough, then the packaging certainly adds a special touch; everything comes in adorable heart-shaped candy and rose boxes, combining the naughty and nice side of the collection perfectly.

What’s On This Week

Black Sheep @ The National Centre for Craft and Design

14 February 2015 – 9 May 2015

Free Entry

This exhibition is an exploration of the edgier side of one of the most ancient constructed materials in the world. Felt. It looks at artists who create sometimes disturbing and bizarre oddities and technically brilliant objects. Visitors will discover felt teddy bear skulls and mutated organisms by Stephanie Metz, seamless showstopping garments by Horst Couture and sculptural natural forms by Marjolein Dallinga.

Cornelia Parker @ Whitworth Art Gallery

14 February 2015 – 31 May 2015

Free Entry

Cornelia Parker’s work invites you to witness the transformation of ordinary objects into something compelling and extraordinary. It is an extensive exhibition, one that features a wide range of work made during Parker’s career, from her signature piece Cold Dark Matter; An Exploded View (1991) alongside two important new commissions and many other new works.

Not: The Art of Resistance @ The Manchester School of Art

19 January 2015 – 27 February 2015

Free Entry

The exhibition explores the work of contemporary artists who have attempted to enact alternative modes of resistance. Jenny Holzer, Andrea Fraser and Carey Young are just three of the artists involved in this collection. They demand (or sometimes politely request) that we rethink and reconfigure our relationship with the wider world.

Review: Spamalot

Pantomime season is now just a distant memory, but 2015 looks set to be another great year for theatre in Manchester. Whilst award-winning smash-hit The Lion King returns to the Palace Theatre for five weeks, following a record-breaking four-month residency from December 2012, over at the Opera House the satirical spectacular Spamalot launches its 2015 tour, and if you’re looking to shake off those post-Christmas blues, then this is most definitely the show to see.

Billed as “the hit musical lovingly ripped off from Monty Python and the Holy Grail,” Spamalot tells the story of King Arthur, the popular legend that has been the source of more poems, novels, romances, paintings, plays, operas, films and television series than any other, even Robin Hood. Here, the story of King Arthur’s quest to find the Holy Grail is combined with the humour of Monty Python, the surreal group whose influence on British comedy is often likened The Beatles’ influence on music. Originally consisting of Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Terry Gilliam, Eric Idle, Terry Jones and Michael Palin, the Pythons’ sketch show, Monty Python’s Flying Circus, aired on the BBC for four series between 1969 and 1974. Its popularity spawned a number of feature films, including the above mentioned King Arthur spoof, upon which this hit musical is based. The title is inspired by a line from the 1975 film, “we eat ham and jam and Spam a lot.”

Joe Pasquale returns to the role of King Arthur, having previously completed two stints in the West End. Joe has long been a favourite in the entertainment industry, having toured with his own stand-up shows for the past 20 years, as well as starring in Mel Brooks’ The Producers (2007) and The Wizard of Oz (2010). In addition, he was crowned King of the Jungle in the fourth series of ITV’s I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here!, and is a mainstay of British pantomime, selling out every Christmas in various theatres up and down the country. Comedy is where Joe excels, so many would argue that this is the perfect role for him; although you cannot fault his comic timing, his singing voice is weak and he is often drowned out during musical numbers.

Sarah Earnshaw puts in a stunning performance as The Lady of the Lake. Her CV boasts an impressive number of musical theatre roles, including the Ghost of Christmas Past in Scrooge (London Palladium & UK Tour) and Emma Carew in Jekyll & Hyde (UK Tour). She has also been a lead vocalist in Puttin’ On The Ritz (UK Tour), and when you hear her voice it’s easy to see why. Earnshaw has magnificent stage presence and, in my opinion, steals the show with her performance.

Popular television actor Todd Carty portrays King Arthur’s quiet, bumbling but lovable assistant Patsy. Todd’s big break was in the role as Tucker in the BBC’s Grange Hill, a character who was so popular he was given his own series as an adult, Tucker’s Luck. Since then he has starred in The Bill and Heartbeat. He made his stage debut at the New London Theatre, where he played the leading role of Lionel in a musical based on Lionel Bart’s life.

In homage to the original film, where the six Pythons played the majority of the roles, the other actors, including Will Hawksworth, Richard Kent and Richard Meek, each play various characters.

Packed with laugh-out-loud moments from the minute the curtain is raised, this show fails to take itself very seriously at all. Musical numbers include the ‘Fisch Schlapping Song’, ‘He is Not Dead Yet’ and ‘Find Your Grail’, and although the score stays true to the original Broadway production, ‘You Won’t Succeed in Showbiz’ brings things bang up-to-date, with references to current television favourites, including Mel & Sue and Mary Berry. ‘The Diva’s Lament’, a song belted out by The Lady of the Lake about her lack of stage of time in Act Two, is delightfully funny and, for me, the musical highlight.

Of course, this being Monty Python, it’s as much about the surrealism as it is about the songs, and there are plenty of ridiculously hilarious moments, such as the corpse who refuses to die and Sir Lancelot ‘accepting’ himself and heading to the YMCA. There’s even audience participation as we head towards the finale, with one member of the public getting more than they bargained for when they bought their ticket. And no Monty Python show would be complete without a rousing rendition of ‘Always Look On The Bright Side of Life’, a sing-a-long by which the entire cast and auditorium finishes the show in style.

Spamalot is the perfect show feel-good show to blow away those January blues; a musical comedy that will leave you wanting more, with huge laughs, huge sets and huge songs. There’s even an appearance from physicist Brian Cox! Doing what? Now, that would be telling…

Rapist sentenced three decades after attack

A man has been sentenced for the rape of a teenager 32 years ago.

Christopher Martin, 51, from Fallowfield, was sentenced to seven years in prison on Monday 26 January 2015. He was also ordered to sign the sex offenders register for life as the victim was 15 years old at the time.

Over the summer of 1980 the victim met Martin at a social club in Fallowfield. Martin offered to walk the girl home and they left together at around 11pm – midnight. As they walked home Martin suggested cutting through a park.

In spite of the teenagers’ resistance, Martin led her into the park and then pushed her to the floor. He repeatedly slapped her across the face, telling her to shut up. He then raped her. When leaving the park, Martin then told the young girl that his girlfriend would batter her. She felt at the time she could not report the rape to the police.

Left traumatised by the attack the girl told only one person, her best friend, about what had happened. This was while Martin went on to live what the sentencing judge, Judge David Stockdale QC, called a “carefree” life.

However, after over thirty years of silence, the woman spotted Martin a number of times and finally reported him to the police. The first time she saw him was June 2013 at the Didsbury Festival in Didsbury Park where he was enjoying himself with his family. She approached him and said: “Are you Chris Martin? Do you remember me?” She then ran off.

Days later she saw him again at a Didsbury pub in what the sentencing judge described as a “moment of truth” encounter.

She later went to police. Martin denied rape in a Manchester Crown Court trial, saying he was the victim of mistaken identity and that he had never met the victim. However the jury found him Guilty.

Addressing Martin, Judge David Stockdale QC said, “she was excited at the prospect of being walked home by you”

“She thought you were something of a catch, and that your offer meant an indication that you were interested in her. As it turned out you were interested in her, but in all the wrong ways.”

Police said the victim finally had the courage to come forward after seeing him again and reading in the press about a number of historic rape cases.

After the sentencing, Detective Constable Laura Hughes said: “The victim was so scared after she had been raped that she felt she could not report it to the police. However recently she saw Martin a number of times and her memories of the attack came back to her and this along with the media reports regarding historic rapes gave her the confidence to come forward and report the incident to the police.

“I would like to praise her for having the courage to come forward and speak to us over three decades after the attack happened.

“I hope that this sentence provides some encouragement to other people who may have been victims of this sort of abuse to report it to the police.”

Live: Funeral For A Friend

17th January

Gorilla

1/10

Casually Dressed and Deep in Conversation was arguably the most important record of 2003 if you were a teenager and into that sort of music. Those fans have not forgotten FFAF. Now in their late twenties and thirties they packed Gorilla out. A largely male fan-base with more than its fair share of tattoos, piercings and dark clothing.

Matt Davies confidence on the night was bordering on arrogance. In between every song or two he was preaching that “after 14 years this still matters to us, after 14 years you still matter to us and after 14 years the music still matters to us” he just kept going on and on with this heartfelt drivel.
It was hard to tell if he was drunk, high or both but he was struggling to sing the songs properly or make sense in his incessant speeches. At one point he promised to crowd-dive, proclaiming he is “fast as fuck” but then didn’t.

A disproportionate amount of set-time was spent talking about music rather than playing it.

He claims that he makes “music with a fucking message”. He wails about “no racism, sexism or homophobia”. He decides the point of FFAF is to “destroy against oppression”. He might as well have told me that he could fly. After paying £20 for a ticket, spending a few hours seeing the support acts, and drinking £4 beers no one was in the mood for “self-help” punk rock speeches.

If he wants to release a podcast, or have political mini-skits in the album, there is nothing wrong with that. But this was neither the time nor the place to form a political party. Matt openly said that he didn’t care if people didn’t like the new stuff; his attitude sucked harder than some of his new songs.

The sound engineering was an absolute joke, probably the worst of any gig I have been to in Manchester. The amplification was so poor you could not distinguish one song from another.

The fact that many of the songs from Chapter & Verse sound very similar was the nail in the coffin for this gig. At least they played ‘History’.

If Matt Davies wants to change things; why doesn’t he run for Bridgend MP?

Album: Father John Misty – I Love You, Honeybear

Released on the 9th of February

Bella Union

8/10

Father John Misty is a perfect parody of himself. Taking the piss out of people who take themselves too seriously, he simultaneously praises his own conceitedness. I Love You, Honeybear is a non-chronological discovery of love, strewn with copious amounts of sex and scathing satire. From the opening title track Misty attempts to deceive, as swooning strings and ascending arpeggios could easily make his irony misconstrued. But underlying this feigned sentimentality, Tillman critiques the cliché of the romantic love song. Such satire is shown in ‘Chateaux Lobby #4 (in C for Two Virgins)’, with Misty depicting the moment of losing his virginity, where genuine affection is blown over the top when accompanied by castanets and trumpets. Although seemingly smooth in his seduction, lyrics such as “I wanna take you in the kitchen/Lift up your wedding dress someone was probably murdered in”, deny him any sincerity.

Misty’s deadpan humour is most commendable in ‘The Night Josh Tillman Came To Our Apt’, as he openly lists all the insufferable qualities of one individual that lead him to choking her, all disguised under an upbeat jingly tambourine. However scornful Tillman’s lyricism is, he translates a clear frustration with much that is wrong with the world, into humour, rather than appearing spiteful or aggressive. ‘True Affection’ finds itself out of place on this album, not least because of its lyrical content (as the title implies), but it reveals a progression from Tillman’s classic ballad, to an experiment with the electronic. Yet beneath this momentary diversion, Tillman’s irony seeps through with the hint of a sleazy, electric drum solo.

Even if Tillman’s corniness is all an act, ‘When You’re Smiling And Astride Me’ seems somehow persuasive, in spite of his confession that he’s an “aimless, fake, drifter, horny man-child”. It’s not until the peculiar canned laughter in ‘Bored In The USA’ that you really begin to question who is laughing at whom. What at first appeared to be a mockery for the sentimentality of modern lovers, Father John Misty inverts and instead produces a love song with a more meaningful affection, as if his use of irony proves his subject to be more than just a cliché. Perhaps Father John Misty is not a knob at all; rather, as he concedes to heartfelt sop in the most explicitly ironic manner, we are in fact the knobs for assuming it was anything but genuine.