Ali G Nightmares

If you’ve spent more than an hour in the Learning Commons, you will have become familiar with the unique set of politics that governs deadline season. On the odd occasion, some imbeciles choose to violate these rules. What follows is an examination (rant) of some of the most annoying (infuriating) problems (people) you encounter in the Alan Gilbert Learning Commons, also (always) known as Ali G.

Firstly, who are the people that insist on getting the lift to the first floor? If you are an able-bodied human it is your moral duty to not clog the lifts up for those of us who scale the 6 flights of stairs to the top floor. And don’t get us started on those of you that need help going down stairs, gravity does the work for you. Exercise for the body is exercise for the mind and realistically you’re going to do nothing else today, so sort it out. Lazy fuckers. Equally (if not more) irritating are those who think it’s acceptable to use their laptop at a computer desk, whilst barely even logging on to the computer. People hate you.

After working for 11 hours solid, we all go a bit mad and begin to invent ways of entertaining ourselves. You develop unexplainable crushes on random people or inanimate objects, inventing identities and relationships with them. When the inevitable accidental eye contact occurs it is important to remember that they don’t know what you’re thinking, and nobody knows how special you really are. Especially when you bump into them at Sankeys (we’re looking at you, Milky Beige Sloth Boy).

Territory is very important in Ali G. Why do people think it’s OK to come and sit on our sofa that we’re not using and never have? It’s clearly part of our lounge, get off our property. You have to be ruthless when it comes to study rooms—if we’ve booked it, it’s ours. We don’t care how important your work is, you should have thought of that earlier. We don’t have a problem making a scene and we’re not going away, so just pack up and leave.

Lunchtime is that period of sweet, sweet relief where you get to think about nothing and eat everything. Or is it? Not if you accidentally find yourself sat next to an overzealous member of the public that speaks 67 languages and wants to teach you Icelandic. Or tell you the story of how he helped to bring down Hitler. We all like people, but there’s a time and a place (not here, not now). Top tip—take a pair of headphones or look like you’re about to cry. You’ll be left alone.

Apologies if we sound bitter and lonely, it’s because we are.