7.30: brutally awakened by the shrill siren of my alarm, I greet every new day with a steaming tankard of Lidl’s finest and cheapest off-brand coffee. This burning black liquid scolds my taste buds to the point that everything tastes like lukewarm rice. Breakfast usually consists of two bowls of ‘highly enriching’ porridge, the gruel’s texture reminds me of my revision schedule: mediocre effort, mediocre expectations.
8.30: First can of ‘Fuel-Up’ is opened and consumed. Heart begins to pump properly. Neurons are now fully alert after the equivalent of a 1950’s therapeutic electric shock.
8.45: Second can of ‘Fuel Up’, just for measure. Pupils wide open. Right hand is trembling slightly.
(6 hour revision session)
14.45: The hunger has been gnawing away at my concentration for the past hour. I decide that as procrastination levels are at their nadir and productive revision is actually happening – to treat myself to a lovely Sangam’s £2 Cheesy Chips. Genuinely the breakfast, lunch and dinner of champions with a penchant for cardio-vascular disease…Is this your standard revising fayre?
16.30: Coffee is brewing in a large badly washed saucepan – our coffee machine was taken away in retribution when my girlfriend dumped me for a man with career aspirations.
18.30: Third can of ‘Fuel Up’, the whiplash is surreal – Not even Charlie Sheen drinks it. Cadbury Crunchie’s are a must to keep the sugar levels constant.
(Wikipedia procrastination session on Charlie Sheen, whiplash and neuro-degenerative diseases)
19.30. Back to work – flat mate brought me back a stale (week-old by the taste of it) blueberry muffin from the Shell petrol station. Nice gesture, shame about the final product.
20.00: I pack a measly made ham and Gouda cheese sandwich in my bag and go on a date with John Rylands (central library). 2 cans of ‘Fuel Up’ are in my pockets. One for energy and the other to make sure people think I’m a street tramp – this way nobody sits next to me on the bus.
20.40: Arrive at library – scoff down a Cadbury cream egg for courage as I scour Blue 1,2 & 3 for a seat. I fail and sit on the floor of Orange 5. This place is genuinely eerie.
22.30: The only sounds in Orange 5 are the humming noise of my DEL laptop every time I open internet explorer, the ruffling of the pages of my three ‘compulsory reading’ books I’ve had since October and the soft but steady crunching of muesli and snicker bars.
23.59: I have finally completed the ‘afternoon’ part of my revision schedule. Cadbury cream eggs celebration is in order. Fourth can of ‘Fuel Up’, just to remind me why I’m here.
01.00: heart begins to pump furiously, eyes become bleary – I’m feeling nauseous.
0.1.09: pass out of exhaustion in Orange 5, some equally distressed student threw a penny at me.
0.6.45: awoken by cleaner’s huge industrial cleaning arsenal – repeat cycle.
I have been doing this since January 4th and today is January 24th. I have my final exam in 3 hours.