Sex tips: tried, tested, rejected

Wander into your local newsagent and at every turn you’ll be confronted by magazine covers, on both women’s and men’s mags alike, with the same old tag-lines ‘Top sex tips’, ‘How to drive him wild’, ‘Make her orgasm seventeen times’…etc etc. Even Lifestyle’s own Emilia Hazel has proposed her own bedroom advice (“turn your partners body into a homage to your favourite Domino’s topping” if you remember rightly).

Cosmo and Men’s Health are the most renowned so I have kindly volunteered my time and  manhood to put to put some of the best to the test.

1. More Magazine’s Position of the Week: The head rush

Missionary with a twist. Dangle your partner off the edge of the bed so that her head hangs free. The blood rush to her head will transport her to orgasmic heights she’s never reached before.

In practice: It felt like I was shagging a headless corpse. She looked uncomfortable and unusually pink. We were concentrating too hard on not causing injury that nobody reached orgasmic heights of any kind.

2. Men’s Health Position Master: Reverse cowgirl 

The cowgirl position (her on top) but in reverse (backwards), obviously. You’re in for one hell of a ride.

In practice: As much as I worship the female form seeing my girlfriend attempt to angle herself on to me with her derriere in the air was both awkward and unflattering for everybody. Granted, it gets good but just be prepared for a bit of “to me, to you” à la the Chuckle Brothers before you begin.

3. Men’s Health: Blow bubbles

Take a swig of champagne before going down, then use your tongue to swirl the bubbles around her clitoris. Nerve endings react to bubbles. In a very good way.

In practice: I’m on a student budget so had to make do with Sprite, I figured it’d have the same effect. This just caused a mess. Instead of “swirling it around her clitoris” most of it ended up dribbled down my chin. How was I meant to do direct it? With a straw or spurting it out like a fountain? Sugary products should be kept away from the vaginal area at all times or else instead of an orgasm she’ll end up with thrush

4. Cosmo: Mutual masturbation

Watch porn and masturbate together.

In practice: Pretend you can’t navigate yourself around a porn site in 30 seconds, find the video you watched the other day and avoid eye contact with your girlfriend as you awkwardly put your hands down your trousers. I don’t know why you’d do this when you could just have sex?

5. Lifestyle’s Emilia Hazel: Alternative role play

Ever feel like you’ve wasted your money on all those BOP outfits? Why not indulge in those fantasies you never knew you had

In practice: My girlfriend went out with friends dressed as mimes, she went the whole hog painted face and all. When she got home, she stumbled into my room and instead of washing her face and changing out of her stripy attire we thought we’d give the alternative fantasy suggestion a go.

The events that followed are ones I’ll never forget. What started off as fun and mysterious transpired into odd and bemusing. I had to stop her when she began to mime blowing up a balloon like a Parisian street act. Her embarrassment continued when we awoke to a bed-spread smeared with face paint and white gloves thrown half way across the room from her impromptu strip tease.