Hello, Kate? The British public will see you now

The Princess of Wales, aka Kate Middleton, has been MIA since Christmas day of 2023. Rumours and conspiracies swirl around her disappearance and the Royal Family blunder once more in the British Press. It started with Andrew at Pizza Hut and his sweatless dancing, Philip looking like Doc riding the DeLorean, and Harry reminiscing over his mother while fixing his ‘todger‘. Kate’s recent Photoshop fail has added fuel to this very rogue fire. So, where is the heir apparent? And will she resurrect before Charles realises mixed herbs won’t cure cancer?

My theory? Ms Middleton, inspired by her appearance on The Crown, has joined Megan Markle in the TV world. Why? Who knows. More importantly, what show?

Dance Moms

Princess Charlotte is third in line to the throne, and by the looks of things, she’s going to be sitting around for a long while waiting. As daughter to one of the most prestigious families in the world, Charlotte has a lot resting on her shoulders. It’s all well and good that she can speak Spanish, but let’s be honest, in this economy the Princess needs to diversify her qualifications. Cue Mum Kate, and Dance Moms.

Now that Abby Lee Miller is out of jail, and back screaming at children, Dance Moms is the perfect environment for both Charlotte and Kate to flourish, and really seal their mother-daughter bond. Without much effort, the pair could easily utilise tax-payer money for Charlotte’s competition costumes and travel expenses. The dance would teach Charlotte the pressures of real life, such as pretty privilege and a toxic work environment. With any luck, Charlotte can use Dance Mom’s talent and fame to go on The Bachelorette, finding a husband to join her on the throne.

Kate would obviously play a Holly Frazier role, quietly reigning with intelligence and respectable authority against the other moms. And let’s face it, Abby Lee Miller needs Kate more than Kate needs her. Don’t be surprised if you see Kate appearing on TLC is all I’m saying.

You

Conveniently for us, Season 4 of You wrapped in the UK, specifically the South East, which is awfully close to both Kennington Palace and Windsor Castle – popular abodes for Ms Middleton.

We know Kate can act, to an extent. That woman holds the same composed face through every ceremony and balcony wave, regardless of whether your sister-in-law has pissed you off, or your children’s great-uncle has been accused of some un-uncley things… Look at this picture and tell me that is not acting – especially while being stood next to your father-in-law’s side piece.

Plot-wise, Season 5 of You would be very simple. Joe, or whatever name he goes by these days, falls in love with Kate. The Americans would love it, the English would be ready to tweet, and it could easily fit into the current storyline of the show. All Kate would need to do is do her usual engagements, swan around the palace a bit, and look a little concerned if Prince William suddenly disappeared. Netflix, call me.

Glee

As we all know, Kate loves a cheeky bit of piano. Every year, she pops up on Christmas Day to bust out a tune with some celeb or children. Cute. However, with bills rising and meal deals getting more expensive by the day, Kate may have been making some deals behind the scenes, finding a reason to play the piano on TV a little more regularly.

It seems Hollywood loves to remake the 00s classics, adding Gen Z stereotypes at every opportunity. Mean Girls was a moderate success, alongside Gladiators, however some shows have been less well received. Gossip Girl, Saved by the Bell and Bel-Air’s ratings look dismal in comparison to their original shows. Yet, Glee could be the perfect place for Gen Z tropes and poor dialogue.

Glee was already an unhinged show from the get-go. Fuelled with safeguarding issues smothered by 2010s bops, millennials ate up all six seasons of the High School Musical dupe. And who was the backbone to every performance (and the only sane staff member at William McKinley High School)? Mr. Brad Ellis, the pianist. Did he actually work at the school? Dunno, but it’s certainly a role that Kate could easily fill if called upon.

Super Prime London

We have Homes Under the Hammer, Location Location Location, Grand Designs and Escape to the Country. But, what’s missing from these real-estate shows? American cattiness.

Selling Sunset is coming to the UK with their new spin-off, Super Prime London. Viewers can expect to watch estate agents in low-cut tops or excessively gelled hair, wearing sunglasses in grey weather, and flogging million-pound pads to the thick and wealthy. Kate may not be one of the young blondes often featured in the show, but she does know how to take a picture, and “experiment with editing.” Additionally, the Princess of Wales certainly has the cultural capital needed to sell entertainingly expensive homes to high-status people. Could she be a realtor in Super Prime London? I think so.

Queer Eye

After three kids, 13 years of marriage and countless family scandals, it’s fair to say Kate may want to spice up her life. Most royals opt for a cheeky affair, however I feel like Queer Eye would be more Kate’s cup of tea.

With Queer Eye, you get a full makeover and then some. Cooking lessons, home renovation, therapy (the more crying, the better the ratings) and, of course, a makeover. Who wouldn’t want to see Jonathan Van Ness cartwheel in a sarong into Kensington Palace, only to tell the Windsors that their décor is drab, and slightly colonialist.

Kate’s plot could be a tired working mum, lamenting her marriage, and being teased by her sister for it. She’d obviously be taught how to make a chippy butty alongside the perfect Guinness, drawing in her football-loving Husband. For therapy, she’d cry over not feeling hip or youthful anymore, with pictures of her partying days floating across the screen. Karamo Brown would say it’s okay, citing some profound monologue about the beauty of ageing, followed by a scene of Jonathan Van Ness giving Kate a mullet.

My list of possible shows the Princess of Wales has been whisked off to could go on and on. From Super Nanny to Botched, who knows where she really is… Maybe she’s somewhere in LA pursuing a music career or maybe she’s at home recovering from abdominal surgery. Both are equally plausible.

P.S. Pete Davidson has also been missing since December. That’s all I’m saying.