Picture this: you’re on holiday, sat at dinner in a low-light restaurant, and two tables away is a girl, dressed to the nines, at the bar. She’s sat alone and politely calls the waiter to ask for an espresso martini. Around her are couples chatting, buzzed from the bubbles and laughing the night away… but not her. No, amongst the music, the crowds, the rushing waiters, she is sat, quiet and happy, with a notebook and pen in front of her. She begins to write.
Vogue’s ‘Is having a boyfriend embarrassing now’ article is making waves. It’s less so about how you shouldn’t be in a relationship and more about how you shouldn’t become the relationship. Feeling like you’ve made it when you no longer have to face the ‘so how’s your dating life going’ question at Christmas with a stiff upper lip. Hey, it’s rough out there – we want to show it off!
Alas, in the name of reclaiming womanhood, the article concludes that it’s actually ‘uncool’ now to make your relationship your personality, and it makes sense. It’s a reflection of the changing narrative: a partner should be an addition, not a solution, to an already fulfilling life.
So, what does this mean? I think the girl I saw at dinner was the perfect example. She took herself out, enjoyed her own company, but still could have very well been in a relationship! Whether or not you have a partner, who you are is independent of that – you can still date yourself. In fact, you should!
Sadly, though, quite a few friends have cringed when faced with the idea of taking themselves out. Out of fear of judgement, what others might think and how they just ‘don’t think they can’.
Well, as someone who has shamelessly taken herself on many a solo date, I thought I would respond to a few of these concerns with some personal anecdotes – because what a shame would it be if the only thing holding you back from following in Vogue’s footsteps is fear?
‘What if people judge me?’
Exhibit A (the girl I witnessed sat on her own at the bar) is example enough of how taking yourself out is anything but embarrassing. In fact, from my own perspective, it’s admirable, in today’s society, to see someone enjoying time by themselves.
I felt so empowered when I took myself out, and over the summer I often had no other choice! People tend to label the act of going out for a solo dinner or drink as some daunting challenge, bearing more weight than their self-worth and value until they manage to face societal norms in the face and say, ‘Whatever! I’m just going to do it!’
When I was on my solo travels in Italy, I had no choice but to take myself out. And boy, did I feel empowered. Getting ready to any music I wanted, a view of the Venetian canals or bustling roads in Rome, and putting together a super cute outfit. It was ‘romanticise your life’ to the max! I got to choose the restaurant, pick my favourite foods and decide where the evening would take me (often consisting of listening to someone playing the violin on my walk back to the hotel). Pjs, face mask and a movie after a beautiful dinner out? Yes please – count me in.
‘I don’t know how to enjoy time by myself’
This is a common dilemma a lot of people face. Someone once told me it wouldn’t be worth taking themselves out because, being alone, they would just eat their food really quickly and then it would be over within five minutes. Anticlimactic.
I present you with: the notebook method. Yes. Take out your notebook at dinner and write. Immediately, it resolves the time issue. If you are sitting, and have words you want to write out, ideas you want to express or reflections you want on paper, you are going to have to take your time. Most people eat and write with the same hand, so it would definitely be a case of turn-taking and, even then, I often find myself having to pause to think about what I want to write next.
It also gives you a fun activity to do, keeping you entertained while learning to value that time alone. Describe your surroundings, what you hear and see. Bring yourself into the present moment and fully appreciate the time you have taken to spend with yourself. Plus, it’s a great hack for getting treated extra nice at that restaurant. Are you a food critic? Are you writing your next best-selling novel? No one will ever know… how mysterious!
‘I can’t afford to take myself out’
Not all solo dates have to cost money, so we can immediately cross that off the reasons not to do it. If anything, most can actually be pretty low-cost, or cost nothing at all! For example, and I know it sounds cliché, but taking yourself on a little picnic, or a beautiful nature walk. Get your favourite snacks, book, and drink, and you’ve got yourself a wonderful date. Plan a lovely day out, find as many art galleries or museums as you can. You could explore local libraries, window-shop, and, if you do want to splurge a bit, go to the theatre or even take a class! I did this in Florence: pasta-making to be specific. Were most people (everyone) around me in a romantic couple? Yes. Did I still have the most fun time? Also, yes.
Ask yourself, what do you love to do? Where do you like to go? Who are you away from your relationship? It’s not embarrassing to date yourself, it’s sexy, even, and definitely not something you only get to do single.
And if your biggest fear, ultimately, is seeing someone you know: be the girl at the bar.
Be the girl who inspires the next to finally take herself out.
