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Kebab Alternatives


Simple, yet effective

I once found myself in a most peculiar state. I had been out for the night and having quite aptly quenched my thirst, I had the usual burning desire for the embrace of my true love – the doner kebab. However, my fairytale ending was not to be as I was all out of cash and thus an unworthy pauper in the eyes of my betrothed. Now what? I could not simply go to bed unsatisfied. So I toddled back to my home and entered my kitchen searching for a remedy.

On that fateful night I realised that although none may replace, truly replace her as the ultimate post-pub cuisine, there are times where she cannot be there for you, thus I have compiled a list of alternatives for all those lonesome nights.

Bread taken to the next level by grilling it. Round after round of the stuff, lathering it with butter, marmite, jam or whatever, forgetting about what you’ll need for breakfast the next morning and demolishing the entire loaf; then becoming every one’s favourite person by burning a batch and setting off the fire alarm.

Lettuce/Spinach/Bean Sprouts
Crunchy greens can be eaten pretty much non stop with very little consequence. They are healthy and relatively inexpensive, they are however also probably the most boring things to eat ever.

Frozen Pizza
This could be as satisfying as a takeaway, if cooking one always ended in success. And yet success is rarely the case, as once you’ve managed to turn on the oven you may make the fatal error of deciding to leave the kitchen while you wait the 20-30 minutes it takes to cook. The most probable result of this is you rushing to the kitchen screaming expletives and then coughing and wheezing whilst you remove the smoldering heap of charcoal that was once a Goodfella’s meat feast from the oven.

There is nothing more satisfying than grabbing an entire block of Seriously Strong Extra Mature Cheddar and chomping straight into it. Then again, there is nothing more disappointing than trying to make a sandwich for lunch a few days later with one measly piece of cheese covered in teeth marks.

Play it safe with Tony the Tiger, the Nesquik Bunny and Bran Flakes. Cereal is a smart solution as it is quick and filling. Trouble can occur though if you aren’t assertive with your choice of milk and start an inadvertent milk war by accidentally picking up some one else’s for pouring over your cheerio mountain.

Biscuits are delicious, in fact they are too delicious as the whole packet will have to be devoured. Unfortunately, once sober, you will have forgotten all about your crumby feast and thus when you next go to your cupboard expecting to find a nice custard cream or two to dunk in your tea, you will instead find emptiness and despair with only yourself to blame

Leftover Dinner
When you cook dinner before you go out, make more than you actually plan on eating, and then leave your less sober self some delicious leftovers. Then when your alter-ego comes stumbling in the early hours they will find the leftovers and hopefully finish them up. Be wary of the ferocious appetite of the drunken mind, one bowl of spag bog may not be enough and thus further raiding of cupboards may occur.

Holy Moses, to go to bed without eating anything after a night of drinking high calorie alcoholic beverages is almost unthinkable. It is however, the choice that you will regret least in the morning. The worst part about eating food when you are inebriated is the fact that you may not recall how much you enjoyed it – if you could have even enjoyed it all. It’s a tough call to make, but when you wake up without the taste of raw doner in your mouth and instead with the knowledge that you can go to your kitchen and eat some of the food that you had not decided to devour the night before, you will be a happier person. Or so I have been told.

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