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27th February 2012

Smurf up your sex life

Alternative (and resourceful) sex tips from Emilia Hazel

Young love. It’s sweet, it’s innocent, spilling over with unexpected delights and new experiences.  The same can also be said for the sex you have when you’re young as well.

Unfortunately, these more dynamic moments are often overshadowed by sporadic thrusts, sloppy mouth-work, amateur poking, weak grips and awkward mutterings of “how was it for you?”

If your response to that question usually seems to be more “hmmm” than “mmm”, why not give one of these novel suggestions a whirl the next time you’ve netted the object of your affections in the bedroom:

Practically every female you see on campus will own some form of headband, be it a sweeping bohemian scarf or a wire-filled floral hipster tie. Why not appropriate these largely ornamental items of headgear and wrap it round your other half’s wrists and take advantage of their limited mobility.

That well intentioned reading you meant to do for class tomorrow sitting unloved and unnoticed on your bedside table? Utitlise the sheer force of knowledge in a different way: give your bedroom partner’s rear end a cheeky rap or two with that hard-backed bad-boy. John Rylands need never know.

Ever feel like you’ve wasted your money on all those BOP outfits? Why not indulge in those fantasies he never knew he had; Smurfs can be sexy, elves can be erotic. Sure, it’ll take a lot of persuading, but persist and you can both reap the benefits of love inspired by Luvyababes.

No space in your budget for chocolate body paint? Improvise! Why doesn’t marmalade enter the bedroom more often?

Some of us prefer savoury to sweet, so why not turn your partners body into a homage to your favourite Domino’s topping: squirt on the ketchup, smear on the BBQ sauce, hell, why not sprinkle on some mozzarella, dot on some pepperoni and make a real meal out of it.

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