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tom-learmouth
4th February 2015

Komodo dragon beaten to death with selfie stick in Manchester bar brawl

No Komodo dragons were harmed in the writing of this story
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TLDR

In one of the most shocking events ever witnessed in Manchester, a lairy 90kg Komodo dragon has been brutally beaten to death by a 122kg construction worker. The incident occurred in the early hours of Monday morning in ‘Pub Zoo’ bar on Grosvenor Street. Manchester will wake up today with an overwhelming feeling of sickness, sorrow and disbelief.

The Komodo dragon had escaped from Knowsley Safari park in Merseyside two days earlier. Initial reports suggest the reptile—known as ‘Dave’ by the safari park staff—boarded a Northern Rail train at Rainhill disguised as the ‘Gunnersaurus’, the Arsenal club mascot. Although the lizard attracted attention and abuse while on the train, it remained purely football-related. Onlookers were visibly shocked when the dragon—after slithering under the ticket barriers at Manchester Victoria station—preceded to ransack the fresh meat aisle in Sainsbury’s Local. The largest known reptile was then not seen for around two hours.

The police were first notified of the dragon’s presence when they received a call from 52 year old mother-of-two, Linda, at 11:07pm. She informed the police of the significant amount of intimidation the lizard was directing towards students in the Piccadilly Gardens area.

One BA (Hons) Aquatic Philosophy student The Mancunion interviewed said: “You know that big wheel they’ve got now yeah? Well it was on that. Not just on it on it, but properly on it—near the top.” Greater Manchester Police were then unable to track down the Indonesian islander as it utilised Manchester’s centuries-old canal system to reach the ‘Pub Zoo’ bar on Grosvenor Street in the student area of the city.

After just over an hour at the bar, a violent altercation began between the Asian reptile and the 48-year-old construction worker, Darren Atherton. The trigger of the argument has been described as a “disagreement over peanuts.” As the Komodo dragon began to hiss and make threatening swipe gestures with its claws, Atherton grabbed a selfie stick from a helpless student and began to ruthlessly strike the Indonesian. After several brutal blows, the animal lay in a crumpled heap on the floor—barely twitching.

The large reptile’s remains were found the next morning in a Greggs carrier bag in the corner of the central Manchester bar. One of the victims attempted to retrieve her SIM card from the mangled lizard-iPhone stew—only to vomit into the carrier bag, further complicating the task on the hands of forensic specialists. Heston Blumenthal has reportedly been granted permission to have a “quick taste” of the carrier bag’s stewed contents.

When questioned afterwards the perpetrator said, “the lizard should have minded its own fucking business if you ask me—it had no reason to be there. And let me tell you—if I ever see another one of those green shits round here again, the result will be the same.” Witnesses claimed the father-of-46 reptile had been in a provocative mood since his arrival, showing a complete lack of respect for custom and law. However, most were deeply shocked by Atherton’s reaction. One witness described the offender as “possessed” while he delivered the beating.

One of the federation’s favourite festive fairings, the selfie stick’s legitimacy must now surely come into question following the events of the night. One man has already been arrested today for selling the aluminium truncheons outside the Arndale centre. Many Labour backbenchers have urged Ed Miliband to comprehensively oppose the Tories’ decision for the sticks to remain legal.

“Shall we have a ban on trees now? Neither of the main parties have a clue how to react. UKIP are the selfie stick party!” quipped an incensed Nigel Farage. “Oh stop talking,” replied secretary of state William Hague. Nick Clegg then stated, “Farage can think what he likes but I want to make this abundantly clear to the public—the Liberal Democrats are the only true selfie stick party.” “Oh stop talking”, replied secretary of state William Hague.

Beyond the political, what this story certainly emphasises is just what a dangerous place the world we inhabit is. The events were truly shocking.


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