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1st December 2015

The night we lost our Ann Summers Virginity

‘Fuck it Fiona’ peels back the lace to reveal the rabbits, romping, and ridiculous behaviour of an Ann Summers party

Last week, I lost my Ann Summers party virginity. At first we were a little apprehensive, but we soon learnt that “time flies when you’re playing with vibrators.” Our Ann Summers Ambassador, ‘Anal Andrea’, with 14 years of experience below her belt, got right down to it.

We were each assigned a naughty name whilst we perused the catalogue. Sat between ‘Tight Twat Pat’ and ‘Deep Throat Deirdre’, I was the first to make the mistake of referring to a fellow partygoer with their actual name instead of their naughty substitute and for this I was to be punished. The snitch too was sentenced to join me. Our comeuppance: A demonstration of as many sex position as possible within 50 seconds. An ice breaker like none that I’d experienced before, it most certainly warmed us up with a mixture of physical exercise and embarrassment .

However any awkwardness was rapidly diffused by Anal Andrea; this woman does not take no for an answer, although she is open to compromise. Think sassy teacher crossed with your favourite aunt—sounds odd, but she had a strangely comforting presence.

Party games are key to the Ann Summers experience. Simply done with the aim to get you giggling, I even found myself reciting the words “I love to cum so get the mop and bucket!” (no, these were not of my own creation) and this was after a single glass of wine. The recital of AS’s version of the ‘Lord’s Prayer’ gave us a hint of what was to come as we thanked heaven for the gift of vibrators.

Next came the moment we had been anxiously anticipating from the moment we booked the party—playing dress-up. Andrea, being the expert she was, judged her audience well. We were offered a compromise: We were all to don outfits for a consequent catwalk but whether we kept our clothes on underneath was at our own discretion. For myself, Andrea selected the Red Devil costume—a sexy number complete with horns and miniature glittery red pitchfork, I was in my element preceding to prod every one of my now scantily clad amigas as they strutted and posed in their outfits. So content in my costume, it took me a while to realise that I was the only partygoer still wearing a saucy ensemble 20 minutes later.

Still, we were soon to discover that Andrea had been teasing us, as the climax of the event was yet to arrive. The sex toy demonstrations left no burning questions unanswered. An explicit exhibition of their uses, unique designs and stimulating abilities, this is quite an upgrade on your school’s awkward excuse for sex education. The ‘sink’ and the ‘moregasm’ tests were particularly awe-inspiring, but you’ll just have to have your own party to uncover these mysteries.

From rampant rabbits and bijou bullets, Ann Summers has it all, and Anal Andrea’s years of experience allow her to recommend a product to suit all wants and whims. At one point, I even turned to find my friend, ‘Shag a lot Sarah’, sat clutching three pulsing vibrators giggling with glee. Some toys, however, were a little more weird then wondrous, namely ‘The Ultimate O’, resembling the hand of an extraterrestrial. But we soon learnt that looks are deceiving, as this ugly duckling is in fact one of AS’s best sellers.

You’d be mistaken to believe that Ann Summers parties are all frivolous games and filthy fun (although this does make up the most part). Bra fitting and lingerie parties are also offered. With the statistic of 80 per cent of women wearing the wrong bra size, AS are on a mission to put the world and their breasts right.

On the other hand, if this all seems too tame for you, or if you’re quite simply an old hand at AS events, then a Dark Desires Party could be for you. A little more hardcore than the Original, this alternative delves into your wildest fantasies and adds a little ’50 Shades of Grey’ to your evening.

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