Tales from between the sheets
By Dana Fowles
“My then girlfriend and I were doing a 69er. It was going well until I farted in her face. We split up shortly afterwards. I can’t think why . . .”
“A friend of a friend went back to a guy’s house one night. The next day before she left, she thought that it would be romantic to leave her number for him on a piece of paper. Deciding that she needed the toilet first, she went for a poo. A poo that would not flush. Luckily, she managed to find a carrier bag with which to fish out the poo. Tying the bag up, she wrote the note as planned. It wasn’t until she had shut the self-locking door behind her, that she realised that she had left the bag of poo alongside it. Unsurprisingly, he never called”.
“During First Year, I eventually got together with a guy who I had fancied since Welcome Week. After an innocent period of kissing and hand holding, I decided that it was time to get the show on the road and plucked up the courage to make the first move. I attempted to give him a blowjob, but he started to have an asthma attack. He literally had to use his inhaler. I have never been more horrified in all my life and for the record; no it did not work out between us.”
“During foreplay with my ex, I fanny farted really, really loudly. I tried to laugh it off, thinking it was funny. He on the other hand, shot me a look of disgust, shouted at me because it was entirely my fault that he was now ‘completely turned off’ and then proceeded to storm out of the room, slamming the door behind him. Awkward!”
“My boyfriend and I were having sex in the missionary position when he suddenly had a nosebleed. Right. Onto. My. Face. Mood killer is an understatement, especially if like me, you are more squeamish than most!”
“One morning after a particularly heavy session during my gap year, I woke up (alone) to find my penis covered in teeth marks. There also happened to be what I think was a nipple piercing embedded in the poor guy. Still to this day, I do not have a clue what happened!!”