Escape modern anxiety: wash yourself, you ribald filth

We’ve all been there; the awkward moment when your existence is suddenly dominated by some form of electronic communication medium as you find yourself waiting around for various combinations of the following:

• A phone call (on your iPhone) post-job interview; your bank balance would just look so sexy all the way back to zero.
• A comment on something pretentious / quasi-witty / inane you posted on Facebook that proves you’re still acceptable on the internet.
• A text from that special someone that doesn’t suggest last night was a horribly hideous mistake.
• An email from your tutor answering all your last-minute essay crises queries / concerns / general lunatic ravings (because, hi, the deadline’s today).
• A tweet from your current intellectual idol – come on, @SalmanRushdie, let’s talk Clarissa and Courtney Love! #LiteraryKinderwhoreSmackdowns

As a form of remedy, I suggest the following: take a long shower. No, really. It’s ostensibly simple, yet most effective. Enforced time offline! Revel in your novel cleanliness!

Now, the most important preparation is to invest in the appropriate supplies:

For girls: Soap & Glory™ Higher Shower™ Pamper Pack, £20.

I’m a big fan of any brand that’s built their empire on puns (“Glow Job” facial moisturiser, anyone?), and this gift set contains the following products in full-size form:

• Clean Girls™ Shower Gel; a creamy body wash infused with notes of bergamot, blackcurrant, magnolia, freesia, vanilla and musk
• The Daily Smooth™ Body Butter; nourishes dry skin intensely with rosehip seed oil and cocoa butter.
• Mist You Madly™ Spray; a floral body spray for post-shower activity.
• Shower Puff for all your lathering needs.
• Shower Cap for Calpol chic.

As a delightful addition, try Soap & Glory The Breakfast Scrub™ Body Exfoliator, £9.95 for super-smooth skin via oat, shea butter and sugar.

For guys: Bath House Spanish Fig Men’s Shower Gift Box, £28.

For ultimate manly shower relaxation, try this kit containing:

• Spanish Fig Wash bar
• Spanish Fig Hair and Body Wash
• Spanish Fig Deodorant
• Nail brush
• Cotton flannel

All products are infused with – you guessed it – Spanish fig, in addition to nutmeg punctuated with clove and a heady base of sandalwood, cedar and patchouli.

So, now you’ve got the goods, step in and savour the steam. As a finishing touch, blast some suitably anthemic background music. Sing your troubles away! I recommend the Glee Christmas album.

Finally, when you head back to your room only to find that, still, nobody cares, rinse and repeat.