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22nd November 2011

Escape modern anxiety: wash yourself, you ribald filth

Thanks to modern technology, contemporary life can be super-stressful

We’ve all been there; the awkward moment when your existence is suddenly dominated by some form of electronic communication medium as you find yourself waiting around for various combinations of the following:

• A phone call (on your iPhone) post-job interview; your bank balance would just look so sexy all the way back to zero.
• A comment on something pretentious / quasi-witty / inane you posted on Facebook that proves you’re still acceptable on the internet.
• A text from that special someone that doesn’t suggest last night was a horribly hideous mistake.
• An email from your tutor answering all your last-minute essay crises queries / concerns / general lunatic ravings (because, hi, the deadline’s today).
• A tweet from your current intellectual idol – come on, @SalmanRushdie, let’s talk Clarissa and Courtney Love! #LiteraryKinderwhoreSmackdowns

As a form of remedy, I suggest the following: take a long shower. No, really. It’s ostensibly simple, yet most effective. Enforced time offline! Revel in your novel cleanliness!

Now, the most important preparation is to invest in the appropriate supplies:

For girls: Soap & Glory™ Higher Shower™ Pamper Pack, £20.

I’m a big fan of any brand that’s built their empire on puns (“Glow Job” facial moisturiser, anyone?), and this gift set contains the following products in full-size form:

• Clean Girls™ Shower Gel; a creamy body wash infused with notes of bergamot, blackcurrant, magnolia, freesia, vanilla and musk
• The Daily Smooth™ Body Butter; nourishes dry skin intensely with rosehip seed oil and cocoa butter.
• Mist You Madly™ Spray; a floral body spray for post-shower activity.
• Shower Puff for all your lathering needs.
• Shower Cap for Calpol chic.

As a delightful addition, try Soap & Glory The Breakfast Scrub™ Body Exfoliator, £9.95 for super-smooth skin via oat, shea butter and sugar.

For guys: Bath House Spanish Fig Men’s Shower Gift Box, £28.

For ultimate manly shower relaxation, try this kit containing:

• Spanish Fig Wash bar
• Spanish Fig Hair and Body Wash
• Spanish Fig Deodorant
• Nail brush
• Cotton flannel

All products are infused with – you guessed it – Spanish fig, in addition to nutmeg punctuated with clove and a heady base of sandalwood, cedar and patchouli.

So, now you’ve got the goods, step in and savour the steam. As a finishing touch, blast some suitably anthemic background music. Sing your troubles away! I recommend the Glee Christmas album.

Finally, when you head back to your room only to find that, still, nobody cares, rinse and repeat.

Isabelle Dann

Isabelle Dann

Isabelle Dann is the Lifestyle Editor at The Mancunion. Follow her tomfoolery @izzydann

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