Ollie’s menu was smoked salmon on toast with olive oil for starter, Moroccan lamb tagine for main then gooey chocolate pudding. As the expectant guests piled into Ollie’s dining room, the first thing noticed was the massive hippy tie-dye sheet that separates the kitchen from the living room. Sorry Will, your duvet divider has been outdone.
Rachel voiced an anxiety about eating lamb as she didn’t like the idea of eating babies. Will jested “the thing is, I love eating babies.” Catherine thought the menu was rather incongruous –“Where’s the flow? The starter is Italian, the main is Moroccan and the dessert is French!” Rachel replied “I like beef.”
Ollie veritably set the scene for an exotic evening; Ravi Shankar’s sitar playing filled the room; tall, flickering candles in wine bottles were crowded everywhere; burning incense – which all created the atmosphere of some sort of ashram student cave. All this effort was only slightly undermined by the kitchen roll napkins.
Innocent fresher Will once again displayed his inexperience by accidentally bringing Ollie a gift of sherry instead of wine. Will later professed the sherry had a cardboardy aftertaste.
Once his guests were acclimatised, Ollie clapped his hands loudly and shouted “Gustav!” whereupon two topless waiters with bowties emerged from behind the hippy sheet and served the four diners.
Will notices that one of the waiters had a better physique than the other. The girls stayed pretty quiet about the service. The starter received mixed reviews -Will said it was the best starter (perhaps he was forgetting Catherine’s caramelised tarte tatin) but Rachel and Catherine complained of cold oily bread, which wasn’t even homemade. Presentation was complemented though – Ollie had artfully grilled the bread at angles on a George Foreman.
It transpired this was the first meal Ollie had cooked this year – who knows what he’d been eating until then?! Frugally, he’d bought the ingredients from the Curry Mile, keeping costs down even if the source of the meat was questionable.
The guests went upstairs to browse Ollie’s room. The room was very normal – posters with variations on the Keep Calm theme, an unmade bed, a manly teddy bear – something was wrong. Ollie had (purposefully?) misdirected us into his housemate’s room. Ollie’s actual room had underwear on the floor, panpipes, mini cigars, dirty mugs and a very messy bed. Rachel said it was a bit grim.
To herald the arrival of the main course, the waiters stripped down to just their boxers. Ollie hadn’t planned this, and perhaps in fear of full nudity decided to serve the final course himself.
Will said Ollie’s lamb tagine was surprisingly nice, Catherine enjoyed it but felt a side was lacking. Rachel found a bit of bone and ate it out of politeness. Ollie was the only guest to provide an exotic main, and the guests appreciated the lamb which was delicious and rich.
Rachel provided much of the lewd conversation for the evening, asking such painful questions as “ would you rather be a man with a vagina or woman with a penis?” or “would you rather poo blood or bleed poo?” In fact, Rachel pointed out the entertainment was basically provided by the guests and if Ollie had organised something, the guests might not have been asked such ghastly questions.
The gooey chocolate pudding wasn’t such a hit. The diners complained it was dry, and Catherine thought it was because Ollie hadn’t used actual chocolate, only cocoa powder. The individual ramekins were highly envied though.
Here comes the revealing of the scores!
-In last place with 21 was our very lovely fresher Will, who bravely went first and set a high standard.
-In third place with 22.5 was the daring Rachel, never afraid to ask a bold question.
-In second place was our refined sceptic Ollie, who was awarded a respectable 23.
-Thus in first place with 24 was Catherine, whose food was voted the best and whose “intercourse entertainment” was unrivalled.
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