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30th March 2013

A glitter-heeled step too far?

Scarlett Whittell assesses the new shoe on the block

I’m all for the retro resurgance of ’90s fashion – dungarees, ‘snapbacks’, crop tops, psychadellic leggings – it’s great fun. However I do have an issue with these little stompers which I spotted on ASOS. I’m awfully sorry to vent, but I feel fashion has seriously crossed the line.

My personal recollection of jelly shoes (glamorously revamped as ‘glitter heeled sandals’) was a screaming argument between my five-year-old self and ol’ mum. I was determined to wear my prized footwear in public, but despite my screams, sobs and flailing legs they were prised off. And thank God, I mean look at them.

If it is undesirable for a child to wear these plastic monstrosities when they have cuteness and naivity on their side, then adults in jelly shoes are definitely not okay. I’m recalling a similar situation with crocs (I have to lie down when I think of the science teachers croc+sock combo on non-uniform day ‘09). “Pah! Who would ever wear crocs”, I hear you scoff. But it seems we have not learnt from our history of footwear faux pas, as I can already envisage the packs of jelly-shoed girls tottering around our streets this summer.

All it takes is one good looking chica in a pair of plastic shoes, and we’ll descend on the shops in a glitter sandal rage. Thankfully I’ve spotted the threat early, and taken the time to compile a short list of their drawbacks. Maybe note them down on a bit of paper just in case you lose your brain:

1. They are made of PLASTIC. You wouldn’t wear plastic bags on your feet would you (although if you do, maybe go for the sandals. I guess it’s an upgrade)?

2. HEELED SANDALS. Categorically unhelpful on sand, although good entertainment for the rest of us.

3. GLITTERY. This point is only compounded by the fact that they are plastic shoes.

4. PAINFUL. I know hopes of a warm summer are a little optimistic following the easter blizzards, but I can’t imagine hot feet and plastic are a good combo. I hear blisters.

5. TAN LINES. I’m not sure how quickly your feet tan but you could be wrestling with some funky patterns.

So please, if summer ever does happen this year, remember the above health and safety warnings and stay glitter-heel sandal free.

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