SCORPIO (24 OCTOBER – 22 NOVEMBER)
We see a very strong chance of romance for you this month, Scorpio. All you have to do is look out for the person wearing a beanie on their head, Nikes on their feet and an edgy rucksack on their back. Don’t say we don’t give you options.
SAGITTARIUS (23 NOVEMBER – 21 DECEMBER)
You’ve spent so much time in the library recently that the bags under your eyes are more like suitcases and you’ve begun to dream in footnotes. Take a break every now and then – join the rest of us in Slacker Land! We’ve got tea, Come Dine with Me repeats and loads of naps… It’s great.
CAPRICORN (22 DECEMBER – 20 JANUARY)
A wise man once said, “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” We are here to advise you that these words have no relevance to your life at all. It is literally the worst advice in the world. Do that and you end up like the cast of Made in Chelsea: permanently surrounded by awful people you hate.
AQUARIUS (21 JANUARY – 19 FEBRUARY)
The colour red looks to be of great significance for you this month. It’s the colour of love and passion, sure but it’s also the colour of winter acne and unpaid bills. You decide which has more relevance to your life.
PISCES (20 FEBRUARY – 20 MARCH)
Elephants never forget, and apparently neither do you. Yes, it was annoying that your housemate finished off your vodka when you were home for Reading Week, but you have got to let it go.
ARIES (21 MARCH – 20 APRIL)
If you don’t rein it in, your constant and inaccurate use of the word “literally” will literally see you bludgeoned over the head with a blunt object until you literally learn your lesson. No quotation marks, capeesh?
TAURUS (21 APRIL – 21 MAY)
This month, a toxic combination of emotions – nostalgia, desire, and straight-up loneliness – will result in an ill-advised night of passion with your ex. After consulting the stars, we predict you’ll realise they’re just as annoying before and regret it.
GEMINI (22 MAY – 21 JUNE)
They say don’t put all your eggs in one basket, but to be honest, Gemini, you’re lucky to have a basket at all, so take what you can get. In the words of Mark Twain: “Put all your eggs in one basket – and watch that basket.”
CANCER (22 JUNE – 22 JULY)
This month you will experience incredible highs and devastating lows, as you spend six hours at Warehouse Project and then spend the next 48 hours crying weakly into your pillow.
LEO (23 JULY – 22 AUGUST)
The whole casual-grunge, ’90s sportswear, un-brushed hair, scuffed trainers look you’ve got going on is cool, sure. However, you might start to reconsider a few things this month when a homeless person kindly offers to buy the magazine you’re holding.
VIRGO (23 AUGUST – 23 SEPTEMBER)
It’s not that you’re lazy, exactly, it’s just that you can’t be bothered to do anything. Lectures, essays, getting out of bed and showering are all just quite pointless tasks, aren’t they? According to Jupiter, you are actually part sloth, so draw the curtains, get back under the covers and watch stuff on iPlayer all day. It’s destiny.
LIBRA (24 SEPTEMBER – 23 OCTOBER)
Mars rising in Jupiter suggests that you’ll be experiencing feelings of great uncertainty about your future and your purpose on the Earth. Unfortunately, it doesn’t offer any solutions.