Worst and best Valentine’s Day gifts

And so the month of February has rolled around and we are faced with the teeth-hurting, cringe-inducing Hallmark festival that is Valentine’s Day. The day designed to make people in relationships even smugger and those who are single want to die a slow death being eaten by their cats.

It also means being expected to waste money on pointless, thoughtless gifts. Well I like a good present just as much as the next person so here are my best and worst V-Day gifts.

WORST:
• Nipple clamps: one quick visit to the Ann Summers website and in about three clicks these monstrosities appeared. I like my nipples and am in no hurry to torture them, neither should you.
• Red roses: the epitome of the cliché that is this joke of a ‘holiday’. Try to be a bit more adventurous and go for something less thorny and less reminiscent of America Beauty, which let’s be honest, ruined roses for life.
• Teddy bear: a juvenile waste of time, so-called effort and money. Moving on…
• Tacky underwear: no, no and no. We are not in 50 Shades or Secret Diary of a Call Girl. And even Belle de Jour managed to keep it classy at times.

BEST:
• Roses that aren’t red: I’m willing to tolerate these thorny death traps if they are presented in different colours. I was once sent a single white rose on V-Day and it was so nice to have something a bit different and that wasn’t slut red.
• ‘A nice time’: Manchester is stuffed with alternative restaurants, bars and tea shops. Skip the gifts and just enjoy each other’s company.
• ‘A nice time indoors’: and by ‘indoors’ I mean between the sheets. Act out fantasies, try a new position (do not consult Cosmo for suggestions) or just do it a different way. Perfect for those on a budget.
• Good underwear: not from Ann Summers or Primark, not in slut red and nothing crotchless, cupless or cutout. Try colours of cerise, emerald, deep blue (if you don’t know what I mean, Google it).

And there you have it—a comprehensive list of all the crap you could possibly buy for this godforsaken day.