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9th February 2015

Worst and best Valentine’s Day gifts

Get out of Ann Summers and bin the teddies, but keep the roses, as long as they’re not red, says Molly Allen

And so the month of February has rolled around and we are faced with the teeth-hurting, cringe-inducing Hallmark festival that is Valentine’s Day. The day designed to make people in relationships even smugger and those who are single want to die a slow death being eaten by their cats.

It also means being expected to waste money on pointless, thoughtless gifts. Well I like a good present just as much as the next person so here are my best and worst V-Day gifts.

• Nipple clamps: one quick visit to the Ann Summers website and in about three clicks these monstrosities appeared. I like my nipples and am in no hurry to torture them, neither should you.
• Red roses: the epitome of the cliché that is this joke of a ‘holiday’. Try to be a bit more adventurous and go for something less thorny and less reminiscent of America Beauty, which let’s be honest, ruined roses for life.
• Teddy bear: a juvenile waste of time, so-called effort and money. Moving on…
• Tacky underwear: no, no and no. We are not in 50 Shades or Secret Diary of a Call Girl. And even Belle de Jour managed to keep it classy at times.

• Roses that aren’t red: I’m willing to tolerate these thorny death traps if they are presented in different colours. I was once sent a single white rose on V-Day and it was so nice to have something a bit different and that wasn’t slut red.
• ‘A nice time’: Manchester is stuffed with alternative restaurants, bars and tea shops. Skip the gifts and just enjoy each other’s company.
• ‘A nice time indoors’: and by ‘indoors’ I mean between the sheets. Act out fantasies, try a new position (do not consult Cosmo for suggestions) or just do it a different way. Perfect for those on a budget.
• Good underwear: not from Ann Summers or Primark, not in slut red and nothing crotchless, cupless or cutout. Try colours of cerise, emerald, deep blue (if you don’t know what I mean, Google it).

And there you have it—a comprehensive list of all the crap you could possibly buy for this godforsaken day.

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