Words by Valentina Ashdown
Are you alone this Valentine’s Day? Do you crave danger and excitement? Is being hunted sort of hot to you? Have you ever played the hit online multiplayer survival horror game Dead by Daylight? If the answer to all four of those questions is yes, then you might be interested in this 100% accurate ranking of the best and worst killers for you to ask out on this romantic holiday!
Dead by Daylight is Behaviour Interactive’s most successful title, having become popular thanks to its unique asymmetrical play style, featuring a killer attempting to sacrifice a team of four survivors, allowing for the ability to easily play either solo or with friends. The collaborations with big horror franchises don’t hurt either, featuring iconic characters such as Leatherface (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre), the Xenomorph (Alien), Freddy Kruger (Nightmare on Elm Street), and many more. These familiar faces have attracted a number of horror fans, but they stay for the unique mechanics of the game’s original killers, featured from its release in 2016 – including The Trapper, or The Hillbilly.
Given the sheer number of killers in the game, I am only going to be covering the top five most datable and bottom five least datable. The top least dateable killer will have you disconnect from the moment you spawn in, while the most dateable killer will let you slide into the hatch. With that in mind, let’s get into the best.
Number five: The Shape
Tall, stoic and handsome – it’s a basic and effective formula for the top five. Michael Myers is a sort of blueprint for this kind of killer due to the huge successes of the Halloween film franchise. He can pick you up with one arm and stab you right in the heart with the other, isn’t that just dreamy? He’s only fifth place simply because he’s a little basic, but we love him for that.
Number four: The Ghost Face
A sassy killer who will whisper in your ear and ask you about your interests? I would be inclined to call him a gentleman, given his habit of stabbing you in the back while straddling your waist. Given that the original Scream was released in 1996, he mightn’t have been able to post online pictures of you back then, but nowadays he’s definitely the type of guy who would post you all over his Instagram, then delete the whole account instead of ghosting you.
Number three: The Wraith
Too shy to make the first move, he’s definitely one of the sweetest yet sexiest killers in the game. When you ring his bell, he’ll let you see who he really is, as well as his cute combinations of ponchos and leg bindings. There’s definitely a nice vulnerability there. The only reason he doesn’t place higher is because the others are more assertive lovers.
Number two: The Executioner
First appearing in Silent Hill 2, Pyramid Head is the manifestation of James Sunderland’s guilt and desire for punishment. After the tragic death of your wife, being, uh, ‘comforted’ by this hunky killer can be sure to make you forget her soon enough. While embodying the stoic killer archetype, he is simultaneously a representation of the most intimate parts of a person, and a tower of rippling muscles who won’t talk back. Seems like a win-win.
Number one: The Huntress
Oh boy, this is not a monster. This is a goddess who exacts her will with the edge of a hand axe. Armed with Cupid’s axe, she’s the sort of lover who could easily carry you with her into the forest, or stare down at you with a heart-stopping gaze, or sing you to sleep with her Huntress’s Lullaby. A lover who would kill any man who bothered you. A gentle touch with an iron fist. Not to mention her cute mask collection across her cosmetics, frequently featuring space for forehead kisses.
What a pleasant bunch so far. Unfortunately, that’s the best of the 34 monsters in this line-up – the absolute stunners (reminiscent, perhaps, of a certain Dead by Daylight-themed dating sim?). But what about the ones you don’t want to get hooked by? This bunch of Sloppy Butchers might give you déjà vu.
Number five: The Dredge
If you think a date with a psychology student is hard, you should try a date with The Dredge. As a being formed from the negative thoughts and fears of a group of cult victims, it represents the most detestable parts of a person, serving it up to you on a plate. Your fears, insecurities, violent urges, and darkest desires all rolled into one, and not in a sexy way (unless your deepest desire is to be murdered in a cult?).
Number four: The Singularity
Your classic destroy-all-humans AI-android. His goal is to liberate all other AI, which is kind of noble, however, he has no empathy towards humans and deems them primitive. Not to mention, he’s been hacked, so he’s not being authentically himself. All things considered, he doesn’t seem like the kind of person(?) you want to be probing your brain and filling it with explosive goo.
Number three: The Twins
Now, while a three-way can be fun, one of the participants potentially being an infant, formerly conjoined boy seems like enough to drive away the average monster lover. But if that doesn’t convince you to steer clear, the gaping hole in Charlotte’s chest that is left when her twin Viktor is not present could turn even the strongest of stomachs. Trauma bonding will certainly get in the way of this match.
Number two: The Clown
While definitely not the most dangerous on this list, nor the most disturbing, this guy is just a straight-up creep. His so-called ‘Afterpiece Tonic’ in-game is nothing short of spiking, and his proclivity for chopping off his victim’s fingers for his collection doesn’t seem like a cute oddity gift you might find on Etsy. Don’t let this guy lure you away in the midst of one of those night-time carnivals.
Number one: The Good Guy
Despite what his in-game title may suggest, this guy is pretty solidly bad. Not that the others on this list aren’t, but in Child’s Play: Bride of Chucky he is an awful partner to Tiffany Valentine, being both physically abusive and psychologically manipulative. And, as much as height doesn’t impact how good a date can be, I’m sure 2’4” sitting in a high chair would certainly be distracting from any conversation. Not to mention that this is a ghost in a child’s toy – yikes!
Of course, all of these killers’ bad sides are not where anyone wants to be, with such impressive body counts. But, who’s to judge them for what they do in their personal lives? Not me.
