In defence of polyamory
What’s so “crazy” about polyamory? An article run in The Mancunion recently (issue 8, 21st November) described the act as such; as selfish, heartless, and “a want to be rid of marriage”. Concurrently, concern was raised over its consequences on the mental health of children.
Firstly, the assumption that polyamory is a strictly enduring desire is ridiculous, considering that, as the author observed, its proponents “are mostly young people” – the logical and pragmatic quality behind a polyamorous twenty-something life in preparation for a potential lifetime of monogamy circa thirty-something is obvious enough to require minimal explanation. How can you commit to someone perpetually if you feel that there’s still so much more to explore sexually? At the same time, the wish to experience all your own personal sexual desires by no means necessitates a permanent aversion to commitment.
However, the most irksome aspect of critics of polyamory is the assumption that the whole practice must be meaningless and without sentiment. Surely the clue lies in the name? The play is amorous, not apathetic or acrimonious. Friends-with-benefits / fuck buddy situations appeal because you’re not sleeping with just anyone; you get to sleep with someone you actually care about (hence “friends” / “buddy” rather than “that physically attractive yet total bore of a person”). You can go round each other’s house, have amazing sex, then follow-up with naked pizza and passing out in front of Frozen Planet in a post-orgasm haze. You’re also entertaining each other in between all of this activity with your super-witty and delightful conversation.
So far, so applicable to monogamous relationships. The difference is that, at the end of the day, you have nobody to answer to but yourself. You’re not obliged to call your sex friend on a daily basis or take their daily calls. You’re free to ask out that beautiful creature from class and make-out goodby at the end of the night. You’re free to have ex-sex (or not, depending on how #dark you left it all). You’re free to fly off to a foreign country for a few months, or forever. You’re free to focus on yourself.
If you’ve just come out of a long-term breakup, you’re moving, or you’re already living in different cities, such a set-up may well be your most attractive option. This is neither selfish nor heartless; sex friends, like any other friends, are there for each other when shit happens and make each other giggle uncontrollably in between. They just also happen to give you free orgasms (and perhaps the odd cuddle).
It only gets selfish when a polyamorous person attempts to persuade someone else to play likewise when it’s evidently not their game. They might concede because, perhaps, you’re just so wonderful and some of you seems better than none of you, but it will ultimately end in heartbreak on their part and you’ll have to live with being an intolerant, pressurising douchebag.
Cue the fundamental rule of polyamory: be honest with your partners and with yourself about what you want. Mild sexual jealousy is fine as it’s human and you can turn it into an aphrodisiac if managed appropriately, but if anyone seems like they might become possessive or cry alone into a bottle of wine to Taylor Swift (not that I’ve ever done that, absolutely not), then obviously you have to stop before you start.
As for the hideous destruction of children’s lives everywhere, the first point to emphasise is that for many, as previously discussed, polyamory is not for life. At the same time, chances are that the kids of a resentfully monogamous married couple who fight all the time are going to be more unhappy than the offspring of a happily polyamorous couple. As someone who comes from an unconventional family set-up, I can say this much with certainty, considering that I am (mostly) not a mental case. If a polyamorous situation, even within the bounds of marriage, seems ideal for and is desired by all the individuals involved, then that’s their best chance at happiness. In turn, happy parents who are honest with each other make happy children; when families are destroyed by marital infidelity, it’s not the third sexual party that’s the destructive force but rather the illicit and deceitful quality of the whole affair.
It should also be noted that a desire for polyamory is definitely not a desire to sleep with as many people as possible; you can sleep with the same person for months or nobody at all and still be polyamorous because the desire is defined by the attitude and personal freedom rather than the practice. As for myself, I’m hardly against monogamy or relationships – I spent three and a half years in one. I just understand that different people conjure different states of mind.
See the other side of this debate.
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