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4th February 2014

The quest for equality is inciting the wrath of God…through seasonal floods?

Max Abendstern discusses the meterological implications of gay marriage in a completely serious article because it’s an important issue
The quest for equality is inciting the wrath of God…through seasonal floods?

So recently one of our country’s top theoretical climate scientists, philanthropist and (in his spare time) UKIP councillor David Silvester has published an article in a respected, peer reviewed scientific journal (called ‘The Henley Standard’ – I’ve never heard of it so it must be really elite) about how the copious amounts of water vapour emanating from the mouths of our MPs as they passionately delivered their arguments concerning the equal marriage bill in parliament have caused an increase in the overall humidity level, arguing that
“Since the passage of the Marriage (Same Sex Couples) Act, the nation has been beset by serious storms and floods”.

It was all very scientific and well thought through, and nobody could think of any criticisms whatsoever. Because as we all know, correlation absolutely always and with no exception implies causation. It made me wonder if we really should be striving for equality, if all the impassioned talking makes it rain a bit too much. I I hate to be the one to bring God into this (basing one’s argument on an entity that is by definition improvable, and far from universally accepted does tend to weaken that argument somewhat) but I thought we we’re all created equal, in his image? Galatians 3:28. Kind of. I Googled it. I know there’s this whole health and safety concern, with all the flooding etcetera, but isn’t it worth the risk just to live the way God made us to? I’m sure Silvester meant well, but this new information puts us in a bit of a sticky dilemma…

Right, so apparently, I’ve got my research a little bit wrong. It seems that Silvester isn’t actually a scientist, and he was the one doing the talking about God. Actually, he thinks what happened is that God changed his mind about everyone being equal and got quite cross that our government wasn’t able to keep up with his modern views, but instead of sending the Angel of Death to take all of the MP’s firstborns, or a plague of locusts to destroy all of David Cameron’s favourite foods, like he used to do before the credit crunch, now all he can afford is a bit of a flood, something that happens anyway, equal marriage bill or not, in a town that didn’t really have anything to do with the bill.  I hear Heaven might go the same way as Greece without these stringent austerity measures. They’ll be in my prayers.

Also, it turns out, anybody with a primary school Key Stage 1 knowledge of ‘The Water Cycle’ can tell you that rain actually happens because the sun shines on the sea, which makes the water vapour rise, which then condenses into clouds, which then rain on the mountains, and then the water runs down the mountains as streams and rivers and things and ends up back in the sea, and God doesn’t have anything to do with it because it’s all fully automated and He might not exist. I guess I must have had the flu that day.

But Silvester’s boss, Nigel Farage, was around for that lesson, and so knew that Silvester had to be stopped. He tried to achieve this by filming a passive aggressive rant disguised as a weather forecast that rated in political cringeworthyness as being roughly somewhere in-between Boris Johnson leading London’s LGBTQ pride march in a pink cowboy hat and Nick Griffin starting his own cookery show.

Unfortunately for Farage, his rant was overshadowed by a rogue shipping forecaster, Nicholas Pegg, who broadcast a completely genuine and not at all fake episode, based around Silvester’s hypothesis.

I just have no idea what to think anymore. Is the evidence based logical reasoning and falsifiability of modern science correct to say that there is no proven direct link between government legislation and the weather? Or is it a safer bet to believe the unverifiable musings of a right wing extremist?


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