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4th February 2014

Twitter Tw*ts

We all have them lurking on our timelines: Dana Fowles names and shames the tweeters we love to hate

Twitter. For most of it’s become the daily newspaper: the first thing we check in the morning and the last thing at night.

According to 645,750,000 of us are registered on the social networking site, with this figure increasing by around 135,000 each day. On average 9,100 tweets are posted per second, with this amounting to a whopping 58 million every 24 hours. Home to the latest local, national, global and celebrity news, it’s easy to see why. For us students, it’s a good place to start scanning for internship and graduate opportunities. It’s also a good place to find out the every move of virtually every single person we know.Now, there are those whose Twitter feeds are a pleasure to stalk, I mean, browse. Unfortunately there are also the Twitter tw*ts, whose 140 character updates us with no choice but to contemplate – SHOCK HORROR – unfollowing them. I’m sure we’ve all committed the odd Twitter sin, but here are four of the repeat offenders.

1)      The loved up couples

Love my boyfriend @girlfriend

In bed with @boyfriend having #snuggles. #lovehim #myboo #togetherforever

Love my girlfriend @boyfriend

Loving every second @girlfriend, but stop taking up so much room. #bedhogger #nightinwiththemrs #loveher

You’re in the same room! Please talk to each other. These culprits are also likely to have checked in on Facebook at ‘my baby girl/boy’s bed.’ These kind of tweets are only set to get worse as we approach Valentine’s Day, so brace yourselves #vom.

2)      The football fanatics

MUFC 4eva @thebeautifulgame                   3m

Two men sent off in the space of three minutes.

MUFC 4eva @thebeautifulgame                   2m

That’s much better from United #MUFC.

MUFC 4eva @thebeautifulgame                   30s

Defeat was due to injuries and fatigue caused by lack of depth to squad. #football

Who needs to watch the game when you can get second by second updates from all of your male friends? Go forth and have long and fruitful careers as commentators.

3)      The super organised

Little miss amazing @Iamperfect

Finished all three of my essays for this semester two months early. Time to let my hair down at Gold Teeth tonight. #woo #gome #workhardplayhard

Just how? HOW!? These Tweets make you feel really, really bad about yourself. Like us, they regularly OD on vod. Unlike us, they still find the time to produce First class essays way in advance of the deadlines. They are ‘time management’ personified. #teachus

4)      The gym bunnies

Squat Queen @mybodyisatemple

Got up at 6 for a run then ended the day in my favourite way with 50,000 squats. Not as many as usual, but I’m feeling lazy this week. #stayhealthy #befit

When you’re sat reading these Tweets in a tiger onesie, while shovelling the contents of a share bag of Milky Stars into your mouth, these kind of Tweets are not what you want to see. This person is also likely to post a selfie of ‘the view’ on holiday, which is actually a view of their perfectly toned, bronzed stomach and pins to die for stretched out on a sun lounger. Please. Stop.

So, it’s official. We can now blame the Twittersphere for making us feel terrible about our own  #snuggle-less, squatless, unproductive daily lives. And find out how the game’s going, of course . . .

Dana Fowles

Dana Fowles

TWEETING @DanaFowles By day: Lifestyle editor at The Mancunion, aspiring women’s magazine journalist. By night: Lover of gay men and Canal St, prone to believing I am Beyonce on the d floor (embarrassing).

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