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7th March 2015

Not having sex?

Lauren Howells gets creative in finding an alternative to getting down and dirty

Sometimes it seems like sex is everywhere. Everyone’s doing it, talking about it, writing about it, singing about it or, as we’ve seen recently, making films about it. This is all well and good, as long as you’re one of the lucky people with a recent anecdote to contribute. But if you’re having a dry spell, not that interested or just choosing not to have sex, here are 21 things you can do that might just be equally as satisfying:

1. Buy yourself some really fancy cake. Eat lots of it.
2. Treat yourself to a posh bath bomb and luxuriate in the glittery bubbles like a resplendent unicorn.
3. Eat your drunk food of choice just as the craving is at its peak.
4. Put petrol in someone’s car and get the price dead on the pound.
5. Take a large gulp of wine after a looooong day at uni.
6. Actually finish a book that you’re reading for pleasure, not because it’s on a required reading list.
7. Stick your hand in a bag of lentils, à la Audrey Tautou in Amélie
8. Finish a whole Vaseline lip care tin.
9. Take the price sticker off something without leaving any sticky bits behind
10. Peel a whole orange in one go.
11. Wake up. Realise it’s Saturday. Go back to sleep.
12. Put a screen protector on your phone and leave absolutely no air bubbles.
13. Hug a puppy/kitten/other adorable small creature.
14. Watch your all-time favourite film with someone who doesn’t care if you recite the entire script.
15. Win the lottery.
16. Failing number 15, get a part time job and make it rain on payday.
17. Put clean sheets on your bed. Wear clean pyjamas. Experience heaven.
18. Pick a Sporcle quiz (we like the ‘countries of the world’ one) and start a house leaderboard. Come top of said leaderboard.
19. Slice a mushroom.
20. Be the first person to walk across fresh snow.
21. Find bubble wrap. Pop bubble wrap. Repeat.

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