How to resemble a decent human being when you’re failing at life

Like many of my beloved peers, I currently spend most of my time eating every carb ever, weeping alone, and accidental napping all over the place. Yes, it’s that sexy time of year: the dissertation / coursework / exam hell that causes you to beg for your own spontaneous combustion. Chances are your body is now mostly composed of sugar, caffeine, and fear, which – combined with the inevitable sleep deprivation and shower frequency failure – probably means you mostly resemble some form of detritus.

Cue endeavour to cheat the system and look respectable in a bid to disguise from others the true lunacy that lurks inside your banshee soul. So, next time you look in the mirror and want to throw your computer at your reflection and use the broken shards to cut your books up into tiny smithereens and then throw the carnage up in the air singing, “AYOOOOO, I’LL GET A ZEEEEERO!”, try some of these products for a quick shortcut to pretend dignity:

1. Nars Pure Radiant Tinted Moisturizer, £27

Skip moisturiser and foundation and just slather this baby all over your face for hydration and sheer coverage on the go. Oil-free yet luxurious, this product gives a luminous glow, contains natural ingredients, and has been proven to improve skin tone and brightness in four weeks. Plus, it’s parabens-free and contains SPF 30.

2. Benefit Boi-ing Industrial-Strength Concealer, £16.50

For the inevitable excess of blemishes and under-eye circles darker than the blackened hollows of your horrible heart.

3. Stila All Over Shimmer Liquid Luminizer, £14

Apply to the inner corners of the eyes, bridge of the nose, and Cupid’s bow to help contour the face and look more awake. Alternatively, mix with tinted moisturiser / foundation for an all-over glow of falsehood.

4. M.A.C. Matte Lipstick in “Russian Red”,

Whether you’re on your own in need of a pick-me-up because you destroyed all the coffee (I can’t be the only one who usually emerges from essay / revision sessions covered in glitter) or you have to do the unthinkable and endure public social company, the perfect red lipstick is an easy way to look like you’ve made an effort, feign sophistication, and add a splash of colour to your otherwise dreary life, all in one swipe.

5. Topshop Nail Polish, £6

Speaking of colour, invest in a kaleidoscope of nail lacquer for an instant, easily changeable, yet subtle method of shiny self-expression.