For some, the ‘walk of shame’ is usually accompanied by a grin, a confident sexually-assured saunter home and loudly slamming the door in the morning to make sure every house or flat mate knows what time you got in.
But for those who do not like to kiss and tell, here are a few tips to wash away the eau du sexe.
Firstly, hygiene is key. Although this depends on your eagerness to get away, a shower is advisable. Before setting off, one should at least try to wash away the alcohol, sweat and the lasting aroma of that dodgy take away from the night before. Freshly washed hair will confuse your witnesses. Erasing smudged lipstick, club entry stamps and mud stains may even leave you in an acceptable enough state that fellow Magic Bus passengers will not shun you.
Comfort is also of extreme importance. Nothing says walk of shame like a pair of too-high heels, sex hair and smudged makeup. A pair of flats, a makeup wipe and a toothbrush could make all the difference but honestly, who has that kind of space in their night out bag anyway!?
Second of all, timing. Not so early that it seems as if you deeply regret what you have just done. Not too late so that the whole world is already awake to witness your shame. Staring intently at the ground, red faced and wishing you were elsewhere whilst people pass you on their way to work, families on their way to church and your friends on their way out of the house, is not advised.
Practice walking in dodgy footwear. Even doing this in the gym on the treadmill will be more useful than doing it in comfortable running trainers. Hey, maybe you can even practice after a few drinks to make it even more authentic.
Fourthly, assuming that last night was a sexual extravaganza, you probably did not get chance to fit much sleep into your schedule. However, do not be tempted to fall asleep on the bus home! Yes you are tired, but wait until you are warm and in (your own) bed before catching 40 winks.
Fifthly, keep it classy. That means no to carrying any half finished beers or takeaway with you as you walk — no matter how hungry or thirsty you might be. A hot fresh Dominos once you get in will surely do you more good than the stagnant piece of fried chicken you could not bring yourself to finish last night.
Sixthly, make sure you have everything before you leave. Underwear, keys and phones….all essential, you do not want to have to go back for any of these. A phone call the next day asking for your favourite knickers or boxers back is never sexy.
And finally…sunglasses (God’s gift to hungover beings). These magical glasses not only hide your puffy eyes or smudged mascara, they also hide the ‘I had sex last night’ smirk glint in your eyes. You can also pretend with your still-drunk-from-the-night-before logic that because it is still dark (in your world anyway) no one can see you…
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