So here it is, Merry Christmas! I don’t know if its just me, but one of my personal highlights of the Festive season is waiting for the Goop christmas gift guides. Full of £300 salt lamps and £4,000 home saunas, it’s the perfect piece of outrageously hedonistic escapism for a gloomy Manchester day. So, in the spirit of the season, I have decided to concoct my own ‘Man-goop-ion’ gift guide for the holiday season. You’ll laugh, cry, and surely think—who is actually buying this stuff?
Elsa Peretti Padova Candle Snuffer, £285, Tiffany & Co
Panic over everybody, I now have a truly efficient way of blowing out my £3 Tesco cinnamon candle this Christmas in the form of my Sterling Silver candle snuffer. The human mouth, in my opinion, has never been sufficient when it comes to blowing out my candles—it takes an obscene amount of effort to breathe in and breathe out in a whistle-like motion, so this snuffer has saved me vital seconds and breaths. In all seriousness, I bet your grandmother would go feral for such a status symbol as a Sterling Silver candle snuffer, it’s a true ‘I’ve made it moment’ to whip this bad boy out at the Christmas table (this is a note to Tiffany, I am actually a big fan of your work).
Hamster bag in shearling, £1,350, Loewe
Loewe, I was very close to being charmed by this little creature as I have always been a fan of items which you don’t want anyone to ask you about, but yet can’t stop drawing attention to on your person. However, I couldn’t quite get behind the £1,350 price tag. If I maybe stopped buying my takeaway Cappuccino’s and stopped paying my energy bills, I could swing this gift, but I think my housemate might catch on when our lights stop turning on. If I was waltzing through Fallowfield and I saw someone rocking a Hamster crossbody, that person would instantly become the most stylish person in the M14 postcode.
SMEG 2-slice toaster, £600, Dolce & Gabbana
My B&M Bargains toaster has served me well this year, but I think it’s time for a change in the form of this Dolce and Gabbana toaster. She is, undoubtedly gorgeous, so gorgeous in fact I don’t think I would want to put my Sourdough inside in case she gets too crumby. There is, of course, nothing wrong with display kitchenware, there is a very aesthetic switch in our kitchen which is there for decorative purposes only, it really ties the space together. If the £6oo toaster doesn’t do it for you, one could also invest in a D&G x SMEG coffee machine and kitchen aid if you have a spare two grand lying around for some enviable appliances.
Pleasing x JW Anderson Keychain, £265, Pleasing
Calling all Harry Styles and JW Anderson fans, many of whom I’m sure are in the same tax bracket, your dream gift collaboration is here in the form of a phallic keychain. Available in 2 colours, this statement keyring is sure to make a splash at your family christmas party. When your Grandad gives you a hug and takes a good, concerning look at your handbag, you not only get to brag about the designer branding, but also the £265 price tag. This keychain is also, fortunately for us, so obnoxiously large that it can be seen from miles away.
A video message from Miriam Margolyes, £101+, Cameo
@bycopie SHE DIDNT HAVE TO GO THIS FERAL #FYP #foryou #cameo #miriammargolyes #harrystyles #funnyvideos
♬ original sound – 🪩🫧 bycopie | London
Despite the price tag, a Cameo from the Miriam Margolyes is worth every penny. Notoriously unfiltered and iconic, Margolyes countless unforgettable Cameo’s would be the perfect gift for your bestie. Also recently deemed a fashion icon, gracing the cover of British Vogue in June 2023, she is also the perfect gift for your most fashionable friend. In need of a pep talk in the middle of deadline season? Let Miriam help you through. Who needs an extra £100 for heating or food when you can let Miriam’s words nourish your soul instead.
Silk and Wool underwear, £3,950, Miu Miu
With hot pants sweeping the globe currently and indie-sleaze making a serious comeback, why not go a few inches further with these sequined Miu Miu pants? Destined to be worn on the outside of your outfit, you are bound to make a statement at the office Christmas party in an unforgettable ensemble featuring these very affordable pants. These Miu Miu pants would make the perfect gift for your mum, your aunt or even your grandma to make a splash at your nephew’s primary school nativity—good thing the video camera is already out and recording.
Well, there you have it, the perfect gift guide for a scrimping student who is struggling to find that showstopping gift for your loved ones. Call me Gwyneth, because I have just saved your Christmas.
