Dear Auntie Amelia,
One of my flatmates (out of 10) is driving me up the wall. Firstly, the meals they cook could solve world hunger. I’ve seen them use an entire kilogram of pasta in one evening. Every stove is on, every kitchen appliance is used and the kitchen fogs up as a result. To give you a further idea about this flatmate, they make chicken nuggets from scratch. CHICKEN NUGGETS FROM SCRATCH WHAT KIND OF UNI STUDENT CAN BE BOTHERED TO DO THIS? Once this flatmate enters kitchen, they don’t leave for about 6 hours and no one else dares to enter. None of my other flatmates seem to care which stuns and disappoints me. Overall, I’m annoyed that I can’t make a cup of tea without entering a war zone. I just feel so hopeless.
I am desperate for some guidance.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
To be frank, your flatmate sounds like a nightmare. Lucky for you, I have some advice.
You mention that the meals they cook could solve world hunger- let’s put this to the test. Sneak into the kitchen when they are out and steal some of their meals. Pasta, curry, stir fry- it doesn’t matter, pop it in a jiffy bag and send it to the Red Cross. They will be more than grateful for your donation.
But tread carefully, my friend. You said that your flatmate makes chicken nuggets from scratch, which is something that only psychopaths do. Don’t let them catch you solving world hunger with their food or you might die a Killing Eve-esque death (be wary of any fancy hairpins- if you know, you know).
Alternatively, you could find a way to turn off the electricity so they won’t be able to use any of the kitchen appliances. However, your flatmate sounds like the sort of person who would simply start a bonfire and make a spit roast, so perhaps this isn’t the best option.
Play around, try a few different methods and let me know how it goes. You also need to get your other flatmates on your side: the best way to do this is to give them a Traitors style ultimatum, i.e. join me or you will be murdered. Vive la Résistance!
Best of luck my friend.
Auntie Amelia
To get your problem solved by Angela, please email [email protected]
(Ts and Cs apply. 18+. Amelia’s advice may be misleading. Amelia is not responsible for your actions. Bang and the dirt is gone.)
