Dear Auntie Amelia,
My flatmates never clean up after themselves and it’s driving me mad! They let their dirty plates pile up and don’t seem to care that it makes our kitchen disgusting and horrible to spend time in. I’ve made some comments but nothing has changed and I’m fed up of living in a pigsty.
I don’t know what to do, please help me!
Anonymous
That is quite the conundrum indeed. I for one would like a word with whoever decided that friends should live together because, as we can see, not every friendship is able to survive it.
As always, I have some expertise for you. First of all, I would like to quote my dear friend and protégée Michelle Obama: ‘When they go low, we go lower’. I think that’s how it goes. I like this piece of advice because it works for so many different scenarios, like playing limbo and listening to Tinie Tempah.
In your situation, it means that when your flatmates make a mess, do not clean it up. That is not your job, you did not come to university to become a cleaner! Instead, make your own mess- physical and psychological. Gradually stop cleaning too and create a mess stand-off. It’s like the trenches in WW1 but with more black mould (I’m assuming you live in a student house?).
Every time you use the kitchen, think to yourself ‘What would my mother want me to do?’… then do the exact opposite. Let the mould grow on your dirty plates- it is nature, after all. Treat the fridge like a fun little science experiment. Let the oven become blackened with dirt and grease, like a small child from the Industrial Revolution. Leave those empty yoghurt pots lying around and the apple cores on the sofa. Give your flatmates a taste of their own medicine.
To take it a step further, use exclusively their bowls and plates. Hide all of your own in your bedroom, under lock and key if needs be.
Most importantly, don’t accept their subtle comments about how the dirty the house is getting. Unleash your inner bimbo and act totally oblivious. Exhibit A: ‘Oh, I didn’t know that we used to be able to see the floor. I thought it was always covered in pizza boxes and beans tins?’
On the psychological front, get your friends in on it. When they come over, let them drink water out of the washing-up bowl, ideally in front of your flatmates. If they are human in any way, they will be both mortified and disgusted by this.
Now, like all great wars, at some point this will reach a conclusion (hopefully there will be no blood shed but I cannot guarantee this). Eventually, one of you will cave and clean it all up: do everything in your power to ensure this is not you.
Your house will become a cesspit but it will be worth it when your flatmates finally get their act together. And, after all of that, if your flatmates are still allergic to cleaning, then it’s time to use your words… in a screaming match. If you need help with that one, let me know.
Best of luck,
Auntie Amelia
To get your problem solved by Amelia, please email [email protected]
(Ts and Cs apply. 18+. Amelia’s advice may be misleading. Amelia is not responsible for your actions. Bang and the dirt is gone.)
