Dear Agony Aunt Amelia,
I took my friend to A&E at MRI and fell head over heels in love with the doctor that saw her. Not only was he incredibly beautiful but he actually helped her (bare minimum I know). I’m desperately in need of a rebound after a soul crushing valentine’s breakup so any advice on making this doctor fall in love with me would be greatly appreciated! – Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
My my, what a conundrum. I myself have a storied history of liaisons with attractive doctors; I became involved with my favourite after seeing him repeatedly for my biweekly Botox injections.
Now, you may not like what I am about to suggest to you, but it’s an absolute necessity that you get yourself terribly hurt so that you might see your one true love once again. So get creative: walk into the bus lane on Oxford road, there’s sure to be at least three queued up to trample you one by one; throw yourself into the pond at Platt Fields Park so the geese, ducks, and swans will hunger for your flesh after being agitated; try to trap your arm in the University Place revolving door, dislocating it at best, and breaking it at worst! While this may result in some gruesome consequences, there’s no meet-cute like.
While there might be some long-term impacts upon your health (who knows, that in itself might be an exciting venture), these will merely be some small side effects upon your bodily self, for your spiritual self will soar while in contact with your beloved. Besides, dates are the most romantic when they’re with someone who exemplifies bedside manners; particularly when situated at the bedside itself.
Amidst this, you may find yourself a rival for the hand of your beloved: that same friend you took to A&E. She may attempt to hurt herself again in order to organise another meeting, but you cannot let this happen; tie her up if you must. Your love must not be stifled by a side character, head injury or not.
Best of luck in your conquests,
Amelia
…
Dear Agony Aunt Amelia,
Last week my life fell apart. My boyfriend has asked to have an open relationship, I was on his phone to set a timer for dinner and he got a hinge notification. Of course I clicked it, and my God, this boy is messaging SO MANY girls on Hinge. When I broached the topic with him he tried reassuring me that he was just looking for a third for us, but until this conversation we’d never spoken about anything like that before. I know with his last girlfriend they did that sort of stuff, but I feel I’ve made clear from the start that I am not into that.
I don’t know what to do as we live together, this is my final year so it’s not exactly feasible to move somewhere else for the last few months. I still love him but I just can’t trust him anymore.
Please help! What do I do?! – Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
There is only one solution to this problem. You have to bust the windows out his car. No, it won’t mend your broken heart and you’ll probably only get those ugly scars but it will get the message across that you are NOT and have NEVER BEEN into his proposition. A man that messages other women on Hinge when you have explicitly stated that you do not want an open relationship is not the man for you, so bust his windows (and hopefully his heart) because you deserve better.
But alas we have a problem: you live with him. To my readers currently considering whether they should live with their partner, take this as an example of reasons why you should not. Yes, he may be perfect, the only one for you, the love of you life, your soulmate… but wake up. This is not a Nora Ephron film! He may have had you at hello, but he can still say goodbye and living together will not make this easy. From now on, he’s sleeping on the sofa for as long as it takes for him – not you! – to find a new place to live. In the meantime, find yourself a new, normal housemate to take his place (in many ways, potentially!), call your friends, buy some ice cream, and watch Pitch Perfect. Only love can hurt like this but luckily there is something powerful that can heal even the deepest wounds: alcohol.
Hope this helps,
Amelia
